Deeper into the water I have wandered. I have left the dry land because I thought I was following You out into the bottomless mysteries of the sea.
For over three years, I thought I heard you beckoning to me, but the door slammed shut on my heart. Now, I am trying to find a place to land, but the water never recedes. The pain burns inside of me, and the imprint of the hands of the enemy is choking me. I have never felt so misled. I am calling your name but Your voice has become higher than the wind. Instead of just floating, I am smothering myself with lies until I can’t distinguish the truth. The puncture of the wound continues to flare inside.
You’re not where you used to be, you’re not even the God who I fell in love with and wanted to follow with my whole life. But, I’m not the person I thought myself to be when I answered Your call. Maybe there is no shoreline and the water will never reach completion.
Deeper into your life, your misery has been fully exposed, and deeper into your meekness; I have discovered your poverty is a thorn. My body is a part of the church that sways in the water. It has become undisguised; however, I stay and travel down the empty beach.
Anger is a choice, but sometimes it doesn’t seem like one at all. The tide comes in and the force of the wave grabs me off my feet. It’s an emotional wind tunnel that has me trapped, and I think it’s a right – a right to be angry – at the situations that leave me irritated and confused.
Control all around me is waiting to be exposed, but it’s only my inability to express my anger stuffed inside of me. Emotions stalk me like a wanted criminal with my picture up on a board that only exists in my mind. Demanding of my time and space and they distort my perception of reality when I am attempting to let go of the situation.
Nowhere in the Gospel, have I read of Jesus being angry with the his disciples for doing something stupid or inappropriate. No, he simply rebukes them and moves on. His poverty is so great that his understanding of them leads them to a deeper hunger to know him more. His emptiness providing the safe passage to His heart. His gentleness towards me is beyond my comprehension, his handling of my poverty with such care and kindness. Anger leaves me with a sense of control and somehow by my reaction something is accomplished. Unfortunately, it’s the exact opposite; I am stuck with remorse and a heart that’s begging for His Mercy.
Nothing is as it seems.
People aren’t who they think they are, they’re afraid of who they really are. They could be a better version than they are now, but they’re not willing to let go of what they think ‘life’ is.
Unknown destinations scare me, yes, God is calling me to trust in him, but often I would rather the trail of breadcrumbs to lead me.
Quiet is what I have been given.
No sound but the quiet that resounds inside of me, and the confusion that still pounds in my heart and my head. I want to be made of a tougher interior but I am not. It’s a humble acceptance that I must take and step forward to continue on whatever path the Lord has set me on despite what I have experienced.
All around the noise, I am probing in between the layers of life to discover more of him and more of His silence. My expectations upset my preconceived ideas, but I am waiting. He is moving me to the deeper end of the spectrum. He assures me it is safe to jump off the old squeaky swing, and that I will land in his arms. Don’t focus on the turmoil that resides inside of me – just do it. He murmurs to me. I want an easy way out, but there never has been one. Soaring into the fresh air, the new abounds in abundance. Catching my old self, and letting her grieve her ghosts that linger. Perhaps, I’ve reached the plateau that I have been contemplating for so long.