My Spiritual director suggested that I start with what, when, how, etc… Just stay away from WHY Lord!
His lack of answers to my barrage of why this, and why that, has probably blocked his very simple answer. He is the epitome of one worded answers, or even sometimes the short grammatically correct sentence. It runs through my mind, as a mouse run in his wheel – to what seems forever – And I ask myself is he ever going to stop?
Maybe I am letting my emotions get out of hand, it wouldn’t be the first or the last time it happened.
I was speaking with a friend who homeschools her five children, and she surprised me by saying she wouldn’t mind going to work outside of her home and bringing home a paycheck. But she too admitted that’s when it’s the same old thing day in, and day out, it becomes tedious. It becomes boring, and from my vantage point, my life is boring because not a thing is moving. Maybe it is changing, but not in the way I think it should or could. I can’t see my life shift in any way. It’s same routine day after day, but in the same breath it does provide me with security and gratitude.
On the way home from doing groceries, the majority of the train is occupied with university students riding the train, and they’re all leaving or going to classes. Right now, they are smack dab in the midst of mid-terms, I don’t envy them one bit. Strangely enough, I felt out of place with my backpack full of food, but in a searching and analyzing mode inside of my head. I realized that the best way to combat this wandering of my mind is to start being appreciative for what I do have. Not always easy when the ‘voices’ try to convince you otherwise, and they do seem intent on messing around with me.
In my last post, if you read it, you would know that God had revealed to me that the control lay underneath my anger. Since then I have many ‘aha’ moments of where I placed control in my heart instead of trusting in the Lord. I’ve been offering ‘the control’ to the Lord, and burning a candle for my petitions. In my state controlled world, aka, my will! Everything would start and end when I want it to, but the more it didn’t, the more I placed control instead of trusting in God.
Re-reading my current journal, I have been cringing because all I have been doing since the spring is complaining – complaining about what He isn’t doing in my life. I’ve been struggling to come to terms with a new or improved way of relating to God.
Instead, the Spirit breathes life into my most intimate desires – Sacredspace. ie
Sometimes, I hold my breath and forget that breathing is crucial for me, and I ought to do it with joy. Today is another gift from the Lord, but there are days that it doesn’t seem like it is. It might be sunny out my window, but on the inside, it’s rainy and has been for months. Whatever are my desires the Spirit is breathing life into them, and if I try to manipulate into what I think is better, I keep myself in isolation. In my perfectionism, I can easily sabotage myself, and forget that I want to do His will, and not my own. I can claim to have self-knowledge, but it pales in comparison to what Jesus has on me. It isn’t a bad thing either because it’s easy for me to forget about being faithful to my beliefs, values and how I am to love others as Jesus does.