Big moments of panic are overcoming me, so I light a candle with the intentions and praying that I can leave all ‘icky’ feelings at the foot of the cross. Trying to remove myself and finding a place to pray, trying to find ‘my mountain’ in my small place.
My order and structure side of me is starting to overtake, and a blip of my perfectionism is barking out orders to everyone who will listen. Signs of Spring have leaked into the air, and I stand still wishing to be a part of the silent, but everything has slowed. Silence doesn’t seem to offer what it once did.
Order doesn’t not exist in the way I want it to, but more like a haphazard way, and sometimes staying in my emotions provides a way back to peace. It is calm before the storm because in the far distance I can hear rumbling thunder. Wind swishes through the branches, through the leaves and He is the master pruner taking what is His.
When I was diagnosed with Depression, I felt as if I was being forced into something that I didn’t want, and God probably saw(and sees) it as his child(once more) resisting His wisdom. Learning to realize the fear I experienced came from my thoughts. My reactions and perspective on life, generally was how I received things. I learned to breathe, to repeat calming words to reassure myself that I was safe.
Perspectives differ and it is then that I realize how fragile relationships really are. The lines that are drawn in the sand, and it is too easy for those safeguards to disappear. Walking on a tightrope through others has lent to me the ability to stay clear of unseen dangers up ahead.
Dreams have let you and me down, and we unconsciously followed the movement to where we are now. The waves of sadness, fear, anger, hurt and envy twirl in amongst the forced life we thought was what we wanted.