Seeing Double

Last Friday, I left my wallet at the Library. It wasn’t until I got home that I discovered that I didn’t have my wallet with me. It was confirmed by the message that the guy from the library left. If I could’ve hurled blood-curdling screams I would’ve, but I do have neighbours, and I didn’t want them to think I was off my rocker. It didn’t help that I was already mad at the receptionist when I went to go pick up my paycheck. I don’t know if she didn’t listen to me, or couldn’t hear me. It was a bad scene inside my head. It was already not the greatest week for me, my clients were all doing things that well, according to my supervisor could easily boot them off the schedule. I have a bad habit of measuring my worth by what the popular group is doing, and lucky for me there is a plethora of triggers just waiting to be used. But lately the Lord keeps bringing up this subject of worth in my life, and as much as I would like to press next, I just don’t think this is going to happen. When the Lord wants something, He usually gets it. I don’t have an exact marker of when it began, but I figured that I could stop the pain that I felt, the pain of rejection, of not knowing if I was loved. Today, I know it’s better known as a defence mechanisms, but I thought it was taking care of myself when no one else knew that I needed help. If I could keep myself hidden, and no one problems then everything would be good. Right? Not so much I have discovered. I fed myself messages that I thought would help me get through the day, words that would deflect the loneliness, anger, frustration, whatever emotions held me captive that particular day, week or month. It’s starting to back fire on me. On the way back to the library, I tried ignoring the pain caused by the blisters caused by the constant rubbing of skin and leather. It’s not the sandals fault, in fact, these are not those cheap ones that you would expect to cause blisters. No, I am not breaking them in – I had them for a few years. Nor were they cheap.  I could’ve before put some band-aids on the open and oozing blisters, but I decided that the pain wasn’t that bad, and besides I was used to it. Afterwards as I took the time to put some plasters on them, I felt immediate relief. At the time, I was angry and I was determined to show myself no mercy. But underneath it I think God is trying to show me the possibility of more, something a lot better than what I have been forcing on myself. There’s several sides to me depending on who I am with. It started because I didn’t know I could feel certain emotions against people I believed I was to love. I was never encouraged to take care of myself, and I’m not blaming anyone but myself because only I know what I need. My needs have a voice, and one of them is knowing that I am worth it, that I am not this terrible person that I have told myself for years. A big part of the problem was I didn’t know who I was in Him. Didn’t know that I am all the things and more that I have always wanted to be. I don’t know the ‘more’, and that’s for God to disclose at His pleasure, and that is one of my weakness. I’m afraid that there isn’t anything, that it’s just space. That space is where the darkness pervades and eats up the light where God is and is waiting for me to tell my’ bullies’ to get lost. You see he’s given me what I need to get rid of the ‘bullies’, I can believe the lies or I can focus on the truth, hope and love that he has given me. I can blame the depression or I can renounce the belief of the lies that I have believed for so long. But the Lord seem to be saying to me, “That’s enough.” Enough of what? Denying His birthright in me, His plans for me,(Jer~29:11-14) I don’t have to go between two personalities, two beliefs because the one that God has given me is full of His life.