Broken in pieces.
That’s what I am, and that’s what I am trying to get across with all these posts. Each time I notice another crack in myself, a part of me gets a little excited because that means I can write another post! So even though I might view my life as sedentary and boring, I am hoping each newly discovered crack is another way to glorify the Lord.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King’s horses and all the King’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty back together again.
Not your friendliest nursery rhyme.
I always wanted to know why Humpty Dumpty had a great fall, did someone push him, or was it just back luck? And no one was able to put him back together again? I guess the King was unwilling to find all of his pieces, and help him back up to the wall where he sat. Obviously, we don’t know the same King, but the one I know is all about restoration.
My life is built on the kind of relationships I have sought out, and though they may be gnarled and twisted, everything in its time has its glory. I have spoken about the lack of what I thought was a prayer time with the Lord. In the last year, I have been experiencing a confidence that was lacking when I had the ground pulled out from me. This web of relationships either hinders or propels me to gather more of His graces. But it’s also the desire that wells up from inside of me that encourages me to want more than what I currently possess. In turn,their prayers help me get through what maybe a day that feels like I am dragging my feet through thick mud.
It’s been five years since the Lord changed how I hear him. No, it hasn’t flipped back when I wasn’t looking, though I do admit I looked for it. I begged for it to return and wished things could just return to my normal. Along the way, when I stopped being stubborn I heard him assure me, not in that physical way, but deeper. In his reassurance that He won’t leave me and he’ll always provide for me, even in my barrenness. When I wasn’t looking an awareness of an ability to trust in Him happen upon me.. An easy delight to know that He leads me. I trust when I don’t think I hear anything, and I step out in a seemingly dark path before me. Hearing and trust I think are cousins, in fact, I suspect He has introduced me to another of their cousin; persistence. I have no physical sense to guide me to discern except His Spirit, and that it can sometimes feels like I am trying to jaywalk across a highly congested highway. He wants me to rely fully on Him, and I am resisting that part less, standing up taller and experiencing a glow that starts from the inside. Tenacity of a faith lived out in action and words
Questions are always at the forefront of my brain, but I have come to realize that most of my questions will remain just that – questions. I grew up devouring Nancy Drew and Agatha Christie books, so the mysteries in my life were originally only found in books, but as time goes on, I am further convinced that my life is made up of His mysteries, not always to be solved – at least – not here on earth. Becoming. That’s what is happening, I am becoming more aware that His mysteries are part of what make Him God, and not I, a mere mortal with a disposition to take control and regularly make mistakes. Not truly knowing how the consequences will affect me in the future. His understanding of the intricacies of how my life affects those living in South America is mind boggling. So maybe my life doesn’t affect anyone in Columbia, but as he has been reminding me; anything is possible with Him. Keep your eyes open
So, here I sit and I would like to say that I’m more prayerful and, my cup of abundance flows over is astounding me, but it’s quite the opposite. In the morning I pray. Not always my greatest moment as most mornings I struggle with the lack. It is prayer that mostly consists of listening, journaling and asking one question at a time. Does it annoy me? In the beginning, I kept waiting for it to get better, and that was until I decided it was best to accept it as it is. I’ve learned along the way that surrendering is my best option because what I thought was best doesn’t mean it is. When God is the one who changes something in my life, is not without the graces that only he can bestow. When my thirst has become my norm for living, and my silent plea for more seems to hear more silence than answers, I am surprised when drops of water and blood gush from His heart. It is in those moments that I remember with delight that He can take away, but His return is beyond our wildest imagination.