That’s the only way I could define how I felt as I rode the train home from doing my groceries. I haven’t had any real peace since the beginning of November, but I didn’t notice this until I brought it out into the light. I didn’t want to talk about it, but I kept pushing the thoughts aside.
Asking the Practical Question
Murky waters are the best way to describe how I was seeing life around me. Normally my hours at work in the summer goes down, but this summer they didn’t, but then came Autumn, and it was like a trap door opened and all my hours vanished. In the dimness, I have been struggling with sleep, the tug and pull game of being alert at all the wrong times. I am finding hope, but it has become painful through the wait. As the light gets darker, the grey clouds hover over increasingly more, and the dampness bit by bit drifts in without anyone noticing.
The gloom doesn’t seem out-of-place when you watch what is happening today. All the violence swirls together, but sometimes I think I become lukewarm amidst the lurking evil. Its part of what we go through every day. Our stress levels inch up a bit each day until it is a problem, but by then it has become a part of the environment. Becoming acceptable for this kind of living that were convinced we will thrive in, if we could just get another hour of work in.
Near the beginning of October, I upped my dosage of Vitamin D due to the lack of sunlight, part and parcel of living at the altitude that I do. It is also a familiar part of me. Though for some reason I didn’t begin my light therapy because it’s one more thing to do, and discipline isn’t feared enough in the world. It’s not the easy way about doing things. It would be nice to shave off the fifteen minutes of my time, and put it to use somewhere else. But it can’t be put off anymore. Sleep is slipping, and the murmurs of depression creep into the crevices of my body. The feelings, the thoughts pound relentlessly in my mind, and I want to find the trapdoor, but it is also time to walk outside of the darkness and into the offering of light.