My room was my quiet oasis growing up when I felt all kinds of emotions that I didn’t know how to identify. I would pretend it was my apartment (minus paying rent to my parents) and I had an invisible key to lock and unlock it. I read a lot of mysteries when I was younger, so maybe that was some kind of precursor.
The more I ponder on it, the more I am convinced that prayer isn’t just words, it’s your imagination because what you want, the desire that stems from your heart isn’t made up of words. Love translated into emotions, images and parts. I wasn’t baptized until I was in my early 20’s, and even then I wasn’t fully realized in the decision that I made. I was so sure that I was going to become Jewish, but it was simply to be the stepping stone to something that is even greater than what I could imagine, and well beyond words to describe it. I loved the idea of being part of group of people who have suffered simply for their faith.
I seek without knowing my destination, and at times it bothers me, but this zigzag of living has also helped me to understand who I am, and continue to seek who I am. It has taught me to wait; all this seeking.
If I give up because I have convinced myself that my ideas, and preconceived notions aren’t in line with the Lord’s. It’s to lament that He isn’t listening to me or He doesn’t hear me. But he speaks in the quietest of voices that doesn’t need to shout to be heard above the noise that we listen to everyday.
Lies tangled up with His truth and love make for an odd combination. A struggle to clear the way to know, to discern what exactly He is saying to you. Or maybe he isn’t saying anything at all because we haven’t yet stopped talking. He hears you without listening because he created the desire in you. The desire that lies on in the inside of me wants to be seen and acknowledged.
For some, prayer is a formula to be made.
For me it’s a time set aside, but it’s also waiting for the bus, walking through the puddles in the spring, and looking up as the snowflakes melt on the tip of your nose. It’s being present when staying in the past and making up the future that rob you of spending time in his presence because that’s what it is – being in His presence. Taking a deep breath and remembering that He deems you worthy of his blessings, even if you don’t.
Life doesn’t unfold as we believed, it falls into our hands and from there hopefully we will do the right thing for that moment. Prayer isn’t answered right away, and this is frustrating because we think it should be. This is where the stretching of faith is tested and perfected. Having faith in the unseen is seen as foolish, and knocking on doors just because you sense His leading – but what if you don’t?
Prayers aren’t just words that plead for peace in the world. It’s time spent in His care of you, reminding you that He has made you worthy, to stop doing what you don’t like and start doing what you do like. Returning you to a sense of purpose and passion in your life, and filling you afresh with hope that continues to burn in your heart. I am learning to let His hope simmer in me.