Slow Ascent

 

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I wrote seven words down in my journal last week. Words which either I struggle with or I am commanded to. I don’t know what to do with any of them. They are all words which I read through scripture or personal prayer time. Most of the time I don’t know if they come from me or if it’s God who is speaking them to me. The just keep popping up in my in life in general.

Prayer was this mythical, magical place suspended in time when I was a little girl, where all my requests were kept in a small round jar. Except I didn’t know that God had searched the depths of them, and had already found the treasure He was looking for.

Unraveling everything I thought to be real, but simply substitutions for what He has planned, to fill my soul with hope. Asking and seeking, and wondering if this is prayer? Do the words that spill forth constitute as conversations, such as one you would have with a stranger or a friend? Prayer was a place to pursue, to inquire of Him, but now my silent voice hits the ground fast.

Though He is no stranger to my heart

He put much thought into what my heart would crave and thirst. It has taken me a long time to realize that communication of the heart is above what would be considered normal. Prayers of rigid words sometimes is the only way that the graces can fill into the cracks that surround us. Not sensing the results I want, only reminding myself of my unanswered prayers, and they lie all around me. Taunting and leering in my head, scolding me are my insecurities and my inability to trust in His faithfulness.

I am beginning to see that it’s not just the busyness that keeps you from taking time to turn inward. For me the last few months has been my emotions. Anger for not understanding what is going on. I want, or at least, I have convinced myself that I need and want to know what is going on. Each time, I go on Pinterest, I am bombarded with pins of having faith, trust, and how when you don’t know what’s going that He is doing something – to trust in him. There is no doubt that He is doing something in me, but when the going gets tough, I normally start closing down.

He has started to pull me back

The tone of voices, the melody of music are all around me, but something inside of me is beckoning. It’s a shelter from all the noise, all the confusion that inhabits and seeps into everything.

Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
and stream in the wasteland.

Isaiah 43:18-19

He is transiting me to another place, where His silence is full. The lake that never stops its passage to reach the shore, and the river pulls it into system that’s teeming with life. However, big or small; it is something different. Praying is trusting, and since then if I am trusting Him, then I must pray.

 

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Slow Ascent

  1. I’ve been thinking about social media a good bit of late. I left Facebook about six weeks after I joined, some years ago. I just left LinkedIn about two weeks ago. I’m still on Twitter, but rarely post a tweet. i used it more as a convenient way to keep track of weather information, and find journal articles I might like.

    I’m saying this because i’ve never even seen pinterest — every time I try to follow a link, I can’t open the page without signing up, and I don’t want to do that. But it seems that Pinterest has some of the good and bad of all social media, and the very fact that you speak of feeling “bombarded” caught my attention. I wonder if a little vacation from social media would be worthwhile? There’s a lot of noise and confusion in that arena, for sure. Just thinking out loud….

    Like

    • Yep! I am planning on doing a silent retreat at the end of this month. I’m on social media because if I want to write then I need a platform for writing, etc… For the most point I ignore Facebook, and it links to my blog every time I post, so if i didn’t have this blog, I probably wouldn’t be on Facebook. It’s really useless in my opinion. It’s not a true form of communication. Pinterest is pretty much the same deal for me. A world without social media – that would be heaven. It’s hard not to get caught up with it sometimes.

      Liked by 1 person

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