Holding my Breath
That was my solution to holding my feelings inside. Growing up, I had a lot of things that I didn’t like, approve of, but I didn’t allow myself to express what I held onto. Short of staying in the fetal position, I just stayed quiet. I didn’t know that it was okay to say no. Last week, anger came up at an inability to express what I felt in an unsafe place, and the first thing to pop up inside of me was my simmering anger. A memory of how I felt: rejected by my Dad slipped out. It seemed misplaced, I know he didn’t do it intentionally, but tell that to the little girl who wasn’t told this important piece of information.
The irresponsible, stubborn, annoying parts of you doesn’t want to yield to what they should be doing. A tidal wave of confusion, anger and hatred directed at myself. Before I knew what was happening, words that I didn’t want to say filled my mind, and what I really wanted became vague.
Stuck in this seemingly unrelenting vortex of anger. I pushed myself into this pull in the place of isolation. Fear inserts itself behind my anger because the truth bearer is the fear. It holds the lie like a clam holds the pearl inside its shelter. Finally, asking in journaling, I realized how I was afraid that the Lord had left me. Earlier in the week, when I expected to feel the heaviness of the anger weigh upon me, I felt held. Someone was holding me because I felt light, airy, just a cloud floating away. It was then I heard, ‘I am with you.’ Without explanation, I knew he stood inside of me, wherever I went, he was with me.
All the lies I am hearing are buzzing in my head, and the more I listen, the louder they [the lies] become. The lies taunt me, and I am afraid I won’t recognize his voice but I do. I am constantly seeking him for greener pastures in the interior world that always spins out of control. I can’t get a grip on what is only a step away.
Instead of renouncing this lie, I let myself feed on it. It was I would normally do, once upon a time when I didn’t know the difference. But this time, it seemed that I was punishing myself for what I wanted, and for what I didn’t have. I knew I was hiding behind the anger, but why wouldn’t the Lord just tell me what was wrong?
I let the answer from Lord fill me with this slow peace as I sat on the train. Most of leaves have started to turn colour, the majority of them were of a deep russet red. I have a bad habit of being extremely hard on myself, and especially when it’s imperative to claim what is already done.
Since then, just as I stepped down to catch the train, His truth became uncloaked and everything just disappeared. I am not bothered by lies that were my lifelines, and neither do I hold onto what isn’t mine.