Most people don’t pay any attention to the time before Christmas. It is usually a time of rushing to the shopping mall and buying gifts for everyone. For the first time in years, I bought a devotional specifically for the time of Advent. Normally, I struggle with this time of year, but so far everything has been quiet. I have all my gifts bought. I will start in the early spring, and make my way to November with a goal of not having to step into a shopping mall during December with the intent of buying a Christmas gift.
So this is my wait
Since October, work has been hard. Not in the physical way, but continuing to do what I do. It’s become more of a mental and emotional upheaval. More of an upwards descent to what I don’t know. It’s hard to keep up my daily exercise of walking because I have had a pulled muscle (in August) that isn’t going away. I just let it all become part of what is already ‘life.’ I don’t know when I stepped into the wilderness, but it must be where I am. Wherever I am, the grasses are dry, the waters few and the flowers small flourish with a flair that I haven’t seen in a long time.
My prayer time is still in a time of transitions, learning how to listen because how I used to hear no longer works. The rust falls off into my hands, and I jump back, and in the process letting the dead pieces of yesterday to be flung away. It’s like beginning to pray for the first time. I talk much, I don’t know what to say, but everything is sedentary, it breaks off in chunks easily. Wilderness isn’t necessarily dry, it can also be a time to chasing out fears and old beliefs.
I am aware of His presence in me, I just don’t sense him close. It’s easy to blame him for the wait, for the inconveniences in my life. I have put up blocks like a child puts up Lego all around him/herself like a fort. To keep out the bad and keep in the good. When I step out of the wilderness I should be able to walk into the Promised Land. This is what I wait for, is my Promised Land. I don’t know what it is because He has only given me glimpses. Flashes of light, and the before I can blink it’s all gone faster than a mirage of water.
Leaving the Wilderness
The journey that Mary and Joseph took to get to Bethlehem was their entry into their people’s Promised Land. The gift that would be our salvation was inside a young girl’s womb, and no one suspected. His promises of a Messiah were not the thoughts that men and women would dream about. They went about their everyday living and didn’t realize what was happening in the midst of their plain lives. A baby always brings joy, but never salvation like this baby would bring.
I am walking towards a destination, but still on the journey to a place that is calling my name. Until I can understand that even if I do make a mistake, or I let fear overtake that I can still follow what is calling my heart. By entering into my Promised Land, I am still in an understanding that leads me to believe that my savior will somehow punish my enemies and fulfill all my wants. In the end, it will not allow me to really fail to appreciate what it means to seek out my potential.
It means allowing the fear to leach through to my hopes to unveil my doubts that lurk in the dark, and the unsearched parts of my being. To let the light in, so that instead of wilting, the brokenness will reach out to the light, and have a chance to flourish. It will reach out to those who don’t think they’re looking for anything. He knows all of our desires, and in the end, only what He wants will find the light of day.