Walking Through Fire

 

 

 

I do not like numbers. I can add and subtract, I have my multiplication tables memorized, and I can get by doing long division. There is nothing about numbers that I find funny or interesting. Instead, they bring out all my insecurities – all of them in full colour. All I do is cry, well when no one is looking. For a long time, it was something that I tried to hide from. Normally, I tell people up front that I am not a numbers girl. I don’t see any kind of life with them.

On Saturday, I did some online banking, paid some bills, and moved some money into some of my other accounts. Items I’ve done plenty times before, except I couldn’t figure out why I was $ 45 in the hole. I ended up going to my bank and asking the teller to articulate to me what was going on.

Sometimes a situation that doesn’t seem all that bad to you can in a flash turn on you.

Next thing I know I am experiencing so many emotions that I just want to run. I don’t want to explain why I did what I did because when you’re like this you feel like an idiot. Why do you feel the need to expand on this one situation that has completely humiliated you? Cause no one likes to feel like a fool. No one likes being reminded that we’re not perfect, that none of us have it all together. It was a mini-melt down for me. I haven’t experienced one in quite some time, in fact, it’s been years. When I started using antidepressants and I was trying to figure out which one worked the best that’s when I would experience them. I would be out of commission for 2-5 days. I literally could not function because I wasn’t used to feeling all these emotions. I had gotten really good at pushing them away.

I’m exhausted, but not defeated because even though I can’t see it, I know there is still more. I might be just a girl, a woman in a process with her stuff but I am still so much more. I’ve told myself that for years, it was easy to be forgotten, easy to hide and blend in with the background because I am really good at doing that. I need to remember in the process of all things that who I am doesn’t change even though I may not feel the confidence that is placed inside of me.

The emotions that erupted in me last Saturday are still having far-reaching effects on me. Namely, I think the emotions of my past are in effect ghosting on my present and my future. I can sit back and twiddle my thumbs and think there isn’t anything for me to do, or I can decide that I don’t want to be a spectator while my emotions take over what little common sense and intelligence inhabit inside of me.

Like fear, I think God is asking me if I will make a trek through the anger. After all, I am in the right place, I been residing in the desert to walk and hope that these dead bones will come back to life.

 

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2 thoughts on “Walking Through Fire

  1. When I read your first two paragraphs, my first thought was, “I’m not alone.” Numbers have been the bane of my existence since grade school. I still remember those long evenings with the flash cards, trying to figure out exactly what 2 + 3 ought to be. Eventually I got past that, and could do arithmetic. All was well. Then, I found out I was expected to do algebra and geometry. In my college general math class, I learned to play bridge.

    I suppose I shouldn’t laugh, but it might make you feel a little better to know how I’d balance my checkbook when I was in college. I’d change banks. I’d open a new account, leave as much in the old as I thought would cover outstanding checks, and then, once everything had cleared, I’d close the old account. Eventually, I learned how to balance a checkbook, too, but it took several banks before it happened.

    Of course, your point isn’t banking, but emotions. Still, every meltdown we have is triggered by something, and I’ve found it’s often the most mundane little life detail that can do it. The good news is that the mundane little life details help to put things together, too.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s always good to know there’s someone who has the same problem with the numbers as I do! We need to stick together 🙂 You’re right about mundane little things – they do help. Thanks for reading! Have a good weekend Linda.

    Like

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