Artificial vs. Authenic


Since February 27th, I have not eaten any refined sugar.

I’ve gone off sugar before, but this time I’m doing because I think this is what He asks of me. Do I do everything He wants of me? Answer: It took me over a year to get to this point. So with two weeks under my belt, I am scouring all the whole eating cookbooks from my library. I don’t want to feel that I don’t have a good supply of recipes that are mainly plant-based (with some meat eating) food.

All my life my Mom has taught my sister and me on what to eat and what not. She bought unbleached flour in bulk from Health Food Stores where only the earth-loving people bought from. She was always looking for ways to eat healthier for herself and my sister and me.  My sister and I were fortunate because there are a lot of people who don’t know how to eat what’s good for your body.

If there is a theme to be had in my life, it is to be authentic

Not everyone is on the whole food bandwagon, but I wish they were because we swallow way too many pills. Most people don’t eat this way because they’re not convinced, or it’s too much work. Anything that is of quality, or has the ability is going to require work. Even though I can’t see the inside of my body, I am hoping in years to come, I will be able to experience the beauty that comes from eating a diet that aims at nourishing the inside of me.

When we think of taking care of ourselves, most of us think of facials, manicures, pedicures, massages, etc. But what about the inside?

I’ll admit myself here first; it’s laziness. There are all kinds of words that I could use on the majority of us. Few of us have experienced the kind of food our grandparents grew up on, which I believe was a lot healthier. We’re busy, and I am too, but what about choosing your busyness? Yep, we choose where and when we are busy. It’s easy to skimp on the healthier choice because it’s cheaper. It usually tastes good, and it’s simple to prepare, which (not always!) means it’s probably full of refined sugar.

It’s important that if you’re going to live authentically in any shape that you need to look at what kind of food you are putting into your temple. All the points I have spoken about in the past, echo with what kind of food you’re putting into your body. Why poison your body when it’s the one place where we come to union with Him. Why consume artificial ingredients when you can have the real thing.

When we put down our masks and take off our costumes, and the next level of wholeness can open up to us. Lately the Lord has been encouraging me to stand up for my needs, and in particular voicing them aloud. It’s something I was scared to do in the beginning, but I know who I am and who I am not. It becomes a burden that isn’t mine to shoulder when I know there is a practical answer. I watch people all around me and I wonder if they know who they are, and do they want to know. I feel as if I’ve been given a gift by going below the surface to understand who I am. There is so much to us if we would just take the time to seek Him. What is put in our body affects the spiritual part even though some would not admit that it does. We are called to be a good steward of our land and our resources, but are we being good stewards of our body?







We’re all connected in some way.

I spoke about isolating myself in my last post, and how easy it is for me to do.  Obviously, that’s the opposite of connecting. It’s in the relationships in our lives that we heal and grow, and connecting is just a link to that. I was scared of having it all wrong. I didn’t see how I fit into the equation. I wanted to be liked for who I was, but I felt awkward. All the girls in my junior high-class had it all together. They wore clothes from stores like Ralph Lauren, Roots, Esprit and Benetton. Their fashion style seemed so effortless, and the best I could hope for was finding a knock-off, or a hand me down from one of these stores.

I know now that they were likely just as scared as I was, but appearances can play all kinds of mind games. I believed that it was easier not to connect, easier to push away relationships because that meant being real but this scared me. Pain can do funny things to you, and out of that pain, you operate differently. So I choose isolation and the loneliness that comes with it.

Just the symptoms

Some of us are better than others at connecting the dots, starting up social clubs, starting up relationships, and allowing ourselves to be seen rather than run away. Being social is a part of who we are as humans, it feeds something that is needed by all of us. Instead of finding a connection, we hide from being relational because at some point it was just easier to not show your heart.

These are all these starting points that block our way that leads the way to our potential, our worth, the beauty struggles inside of us, and trembles at the glimpse of His light. Instinctively, I knew I wasn’t supposed to hide, but fear is very good at pretending to be the problem. Distressed at the thought of being social limits everything that you are.

I still think you need to unearth the memories that your heart holds because we may want the same thing, but that desire will be expressed differently, accordingly to our uniqueness. As long as I isolated myself, I never allowed myself to dream, to wonder out loud about what I would love to do. I kept it inside, but I don’t know if I even knew how to connect with others. There were a couple of things that I think blocked me:

  • I felt rejected because I had first rejected myself
  • I didn’t believe I had anything to give
  • Belief of lies fed through the lack of connection and communication with others

I wanted to give because we all have something to give, but too often the lies from childhood and adolescence take a grip in our hearts. It’s easier than the truth because we’ve told ourselves that we aren’t worth the time, but we give willingly to others who steal what was never theirs in the first place. Don’t ever give up on making the kind of connection that you know you need. Healing can come in many forms.

When you realize that pieces of you are lying on the ground, it is then that connecting becomes a real possibility. When the pieces of your brokenness leave you feeling raw, it becomes more than just a piece of something you hold in the palm of your hand. Connecting with others will always be a fragile process, and it becomes harder as you get older, but it never becomes impossible.





Parts of a Whole


I saw my doctor earlier in the week for an unrelated situation, but he always likes to read what we discussed when I last in, by way of the notes, he has made. He asks all these questions that he knows the answers to, but he’s like that. Yep, I just want to zip in and zip out.


It’s the questions about being social that has me fidgeting, and it’s because well, I’m not big on the socializing thing, and there’s good reason, I’m an introvert. But instead of calling me an introvert, he called me a loner. There’s just something about the word loner that has me squirming on the inside of me. I feel as if he thinks I should be more social, but that’s not me. My doctor asks how often I socialize during the month, and to be honest being at work, really is my social hour five days a week. Then at the end of the day, the last thing I want to do is socialize again.

The loner really gets a bad rap because it’s the loner who ends up killing innocent bystanders as  the crazed gunman who opens fire on unsuspecting victims riding the bus home. It turns out the gunman didn’t have many friends, in fact, he spent a lot of time by himself. Most of his neighbours would go for months without seeing, but when they did, he would yell obscenities at them. He was estranged from his family, and that’s when everyone starts judging why he went on this rampage of terror…

Sounding familiar

Sure I know other people who are introverts, but in no way would they or I become violent. I can’t even watch movies with a lot of violence, and even if I’m forced I close my eyes. I want the HEA, and feel that good feeling that goes with it. Yes, most people who kill others in disregard aren’t healthy, and obviously, these individuals probably have serious emotional and/or mental health concerns. But that’s one of the reasons I don’t like the word loner.

It’s hard to get to know me and people don’t come running up to get to know me, I’ll admit it here that I  would rather observe you and the situation before I really open myself up to anyone I haven’t met before. Yes, I spend a lot of time alone, and yes I love it! But I also enjoy spending time with people, and enjoy being around other people and a small amount of socializing hasn’t yet harmed me! For most people, being around other people is something that is fun to do. Being by myself has really helped me to get to know myself, but it has also has helped me to know when I need others and step out into my community and seek others out.

When my Doctor used the word ‘loner’ I realize now that he didn’t mean to put me off. Yes, introverts are part of a minority, so yes I am to a point misunderstood, but sometimes extroverts need to try to understand what the minority is all about. I know growing up before I really knew what introversion was all about, I tried being like everyone else which, if you read this blog on any kind of regularity – you’ll know it didn’t work for me. I just knew that I couldn’t fit the shape of who I was through anyone else’s cookie cutter.

And that is exactly what my direction is.

It is the labeling of names, words that somehow start to define how we and others see us. We become part of this mold, and we try to live up to that impression or appearance. There are certain words and labels that would definitely show others who I am, but I believe that there are all parts of the whole and that unless they are shown just the parts they will never know the whole of who I am. I am convinced that people are only seeing parts of my whole, but maybe they are able to see the whole of who I am. It’s not all about being an introvert to know who I am. It’s in the knowing, in the confidence that I have from staying true to my beliefs, expressing myself in ways that attest to this belief. It’s a mixture of a lot of things, but in the end, my parts are essential to my whole. So I’ll continue to go along with this label annoyance!

A challenge to all extroverts!

Calling all extroverts I encourage you to go up to someone you know is for sure an introvert, and befriend them.  Make the extra effort to talk to them on a regular basis if this possible. If you preserve in attempting to speak to them, I promise you great things will happen! Let me know in the comments if do take the challenge and how it goes.


Colour Blind




Squeaky wheels always get the most attention.

I‘m the one who is quiet and sits in the back so I won’t be called on. Curiosity crawls inside of me, but often the questions remained inside my head. Inside, the high tides of anxiety overwhelm me and any thoughts or ideas were washed off in the waves of fear.

Value thy self

As I was reflecting back to growing up, I resembled a mixed up Rubik’s cube. All that was needed was someone to turn all the cubes back to what it looked like in the store. In many ways, I am to blame to how and what I believe about myself now. Instead of acting out, drinking, taking drugs, I isolated myself from everyone and thing. It wasn’t the greatest self-care.

I wanted to be valued but I had zero value to for myself, but to be honest, I didn’t know how to value who I am and was as a little girl.

Lately, the Lord has bringing been up how I don’t value myself, and he’s been showing me through my love languages. Even when you don’t love yourself, He continues to love and show me that I am deserving and worthy of all of his gifts that he has given me. I am priceless to Him.

People come from all over the world to see famous paintings such as Mona Lisa at the Louvre in Paris, or the Prodigal Son at the Hermitage in St. Petersburg. But most of us don’t put much work into ourselves because we’ve been taught not to value who we are. Trying to find your value in what you are or to others, will never satisfy the thirst to be all that you were made to be, and what is that? When we start to see ourselves through God’s eyes, the labels we attach to ourselves aren’t what we once thought they once were.

I don’t want to be confined to what I am, defined by what clothes I wear, or who I associate with.

Some of my clients call me their cleaning lady, and if I was a kettle you would see me boiling over with anger. I don’t consider myself just a cleaning lady, but it is a huge aspect of what I do every day. A lot of the seniors I work with want and need to make a connection – we all do – and sometimes I am the only person they will see all day. I have been doing this job for over five years, and every day I am working to do a better job. By putting value into my work maybe they will know they are valuable. Maybe they won’t feel the sting of being forgotten by their family or long for things to be the way they used to be.

Where we are now is to know how much God values us. He doesn’t give us what we can’t handle, or so were told. I am learning that this might hold true when we surrender what isn’t ours to hold onto, and put value into what He is giving us right now.

The value of our life does not depend on the place we occupy, it depends on the way we occupy that place.

St. Therese


There’s Always, Always, Always Something To Be Thankful For


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The last couple weeks or so I’ve had some people who have asked me how I am doing, which isn’t new, but normally it’s a quick ‘I’m good.’ There’s not much thought into how I am really. No run down of what I don’t have even though I would like it …. But I have also realized that everything is quiet, I am trying to do what the Lord has asked of me. I am trying to work towards faithfulness in everything.

For over a year or more, I have been aware of my freedom. I don’t know if it’s even a physical feeling, but just the knowledge that I am free. Jesus came to set the captives free. He came because He loves us and in that love is His Mercy which runs through us – if we allow the river to flow through. I am in awe of such a wonderful gift. No pushing away. There’s a tiny smile on my heart because for years, and it didn’t matter where I went I was full of anxiety and fear.

Advent is next Sunday, and I have all my Christmas shopping done and wrapped. I asked my Mom a couple of weekends ago, if she wanted her gifts … of course she refused. We have been discussing what I will make for dessert, who will make the sweet potato fries, and I am hoping there will be gluten-free gravy for the chicken. It’s usually just my Mom and I, and it’s fun to decide what we will eat. Just enough to be satisfied.

At one point or another I have tried to start a gratitude journal or list of sorts in my journal. I discovered that it is better if I allow my heart to reveal what it is grateful for. Sometimes the depth of my thankfulness can’t be written down on paper. Being saturated in His goodness is a peace and a joy filled place, and it doesn’t matter where you find yourself.

Thankfulness are words, but it can also be a way of living, a way to always display the wealth of blessings that has been poured into your life. And not just in words, but from those closest to you, who love you, look out for you and pray for you.



You Belong Here

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It was all I was allowed to pick after I had written a letter to my Guidance teacher detailing all the bullying from my classmates. I don’t remember how long the letter was, but I felt was at the end of my line, and I wanted – no needed to get this all out in the light. According to my guidance teacher, the entire staff meeting had been all about the letter I had written. They came (the teachers) up with one option: suspend one of my classmates in a class of 30.

All I wanted was to belong.

And I didn’t know then, but I know now that belonging meant that I could come and go as I liked. I wouldn’t have to adhere to a certain guideline for anyone to like me. I wanted friends but the kind who I could really be comfortable to be myself and to be fully in His truth of who I am.

Yet, it doesn’t seem possible when it’s only right when each gender is being treated equally and fairly. It spikes my ire because that’s not what it’s about at all. God has created each of us equally and it’s not based on our gender, it’s based on one thing: we are His children.

People complain that the Church needs to change. We need to change doctrine and dogmas that were made hundreds and thousands years ago because they’re outdated. We have to get with the program and make the Church more applicable to the 21st century.

God has blessed me to be who I am, and nothing I do will enhance or lessen it. But first I need to accept it. If I didn’t accept who I was made to be, I would still be going around in circles searching for something that wasn’t created. It’s easy to hide and press down our emotions to satisfy those around us.


I started looking inward, and at every step, my focus was to find out who I was. It wasn’t easy or neat. It was very painful. I learned that sometimes the only way of getting to know who I was, was to sit in the very emotions that I wanted to avoid. Yes, that meant the fear, the loneliness, and the anger because I needed to know the lies in order to know what truth was. Gradually as I learned, I found out that I wasn’t a terrible person, in fact I was an interesting person!

Whenever I get impatient with God for taking too long with me, it’s always helpful to remind myself that I am unique in His eyes. He is not finished with me because when he’s done I will be His masterpiece.

And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. John ~8:32


Coming of Age

In my senior year of High School, I had a placement with a organization called (Ontario) Public Research Interest Group ([O]PRIG). They are a grassroots student-based organization committed to struggling for injustices in the environmental and social justice, radical research, community engagement and popular education. At the time, I was completely unaware of how left-sided this organization is, but at that point I was a clueless pagan. I was 18 years old and desperate to graduate from school, and if I could be earning credits while not in a school building – I was in.

Even though I didn’t go onto university, though in an alternate world I would’ve earned my BA and MFA. (useless information – I photo-1431051047106-f1e17d81042fknow!) I was introduced into a world that I was not familiar with, and one that intimidated me. I assume they were all these super smart intellectuals with their heads in the clouds. Not really.

At the time, I was a little starry-eyed because I love information, and this organization was packed with all of what I was interested in at the time like; the environment, health, gay rights and ecojustice, etc… It was right around the time that McMillan Bloedel was clearcutting the temperate rain forests found in British Columbia, in particular, in and around Clayoquot Sound. Being around people who I knew to believe in the same things that I thought to be important was huge for me.

As I got settled in and began pulling together articles and assisting in their newsletter, The Radical Chameleon. I got to know the two women, Sandrine and Judi who ran OPIRG on a full-time basis. They were the only two people who were paid,everyone else like me, was a bonafide volunteer.

Some of the students were in and out, but I remember one who I actually spoke with quite a bit. I think his name was Alex, however his face and his voice are very clear in my memories of him. I’ll admit in the beginning, I was a little apprehensive of him. He expressed himself quite vocally, and was willing to argue with anyone who disagreed with him. Still I had some good chats with him, while he worked on his writing. He was the first person that I knew was a gay man, he didn’t hide it at all. He talked often about his partner. The gay rights activist weren’t as busy as they have been in the last decade and a half, but I was brought up to respect others, and not tell them what they believe isn’t right. Interiorly,I didn’t understand where I stood, but something didn’t sit right in me, yet who I was to say it was wrong…

Fast forward: Friday June 26, 2015. I work half days on Fridays, so I was headed to my last client of the morning. This client normally watches CNN, and while I don’t watch news,or have a TV, the majority of my clients do, and sometimes there are things that I would rather not hear or see. Only in snatches had I heard something about the Supreme Court in the U.S. and same-sex marriage. When I came into my clients apartment, I walked into a situation where some kind decision had been made, and clearly the supporters were joyous and celebrating their victory.

Quickly, I understood that my neighbours across the border were rejoicing because their Supreme Court had made same-sex marriage law throughout their land. No longer in just some states was it legal, but in all fifty states. I felt this deep sadness interiorly, and I kept praying for His mercy to be poured out. I felt this silent outrage at their apparent joy. They believe it is just a matter of time that we’ll(the dissenters) realize that they’re right, or otherwise we’re bigots. Love is just love, right? Most of us don’t even know what or how to love others. I know that I am still trying to figure out how to love others, and my past choices hinders this simple act. We have a choice in how we love, and just because our perspectives may differ that doesn’t mean we can’t still be acquaintanced or even friends.

In a perfect world, it would be a place of changing perspectives, a coming of age for all ages, not just teenagers on the edge of adulthood. The mystery of God doesn’t prevent us from experiencing this, but many of us limit ourselves once we reach a certain point in our lives, and slow down to a halt, we get stuck in routines, and forget that God has a plan for all of us.