Walking Through Fire




I do not like numbers. I can add and subtract, I have my multiplication tables memorized, and I can get by doing long division. There is nothing about numbers that I find funny or interesting. Instead, they bring out all my insecurities – all of them in full colour. All I do is cry, well when no one is looking. For a long time, it was something that I tried to hide from. Normally, I tell people up front that I am not a numbers girl. I don’t see any kind of life with them.

On Saturday, I did some online banking, paid some bills, and moved some money into some of my other accounts. Items I’ve done plenty times before, except I couldn’t figure out why I was $ 45 in the hole. I ended up going to my bank and asking the teller to articulate to me what was going on.

Sometimes a situation that doesn’t seem all that bad to you can in a flash turn on you.

Next thing I know I am experiencing so many emotions that I just want to run. I don’t want to explain why I did what I did because when you’re like this you feel like an idiot. Why do you feel the need to expand on this one situation that has completely humiliated you? Cause no one likes to feel like a fool. No one likes being reminded that we’re not perfect, that none of us have it all together. It was a mini-melt down for me. I haven’t experienced one in quite some time, in fact, it’s been years. When I started using antidepressants and I was trying to figure out which one worked the best that’s when I would experience them. I would be out of commission for 2-5 days. I literally could not function because I wasn’t used to feeling all these emotions. I had gotten really good at pushing them away.

I’m exhausted, but not defeated because even though I can’t see it, I know there is still more. I might be just a girl, a woman in a process with her stuff but I am still so much more. I’ve told myself that for years, it was easy to be forgotten, easy to hide and blend in with the background because I am really good at doing that. I need to remember in the process of all things that who I am doesn’t change even though I may not feel the confidence that is placed inside of me.

The emotions that erupted in me last Saturday are still having far-reaching effects on me. Namely, I think the emotions of my past are in effect ghosting on my present and my future. I can sit back and twiddle my thumbs and think there isn’t anything for me to do, or I can decide that I don’t want to be a spectator while my emotions take over what little common sense and intelligence inhabit inside of me.

Like fear, I think God is asking me if I will make a trek through the anger. After all, I am in the right place, I been residing in the desert to walk and hope that these dead bones will come back to life.



Uncharted Land



More people would walk into the unknown parts of their hearts if fear didn’t hold them back. But most of us don’t even know what holds us back.

What part of your heart have you not yet acknowledged?

The heart could be likened to an uncharted area or a territory of land waiting to be discovered. It’s a barren stretch of fear that limits any access to a part of ourselves that holds pieces that could change the very core of how we approach life. Some of us are waiting for the right moment, or they believe that it has passed them by already. But I think most don’t really know what their heart yearns for. I don’t have anything to prove my theory except that we don’t take the time to explore what really drives us. What is your passion and how do you want to experience it in this life?

Sure there are thousands of quotes and sayings that encourage its readers to take risks: to follow their heart, to live simply. This is a great start, but there’s a problem here. A lot of us don’t know what it is that drives them. They don’t know what is in their heart, AND they don’t know their heart, so they certainly won’t know how to follow [your heart] it. We react distinctly from years of doing just that, reacting to a stimulation that rubs us the wrong way. We complain to anyone who will listen, but did it occur to anyone that their trigger is something more than just being rubbed the wrong way?

Falling Deeper

I remember my doctor telling me that many of his patients when given the opportunity to find out what issue(s) they’re dealing with, don’t want to know. I didn’t really understand it because I am just naturally curious as a person, and I wanted to know what my issues were. Maybe I like suffering, but I don’t think that was the reason why. Learning about myself has been a wonderful journey, and even with the stretches that I would rather forget. Each step I took forward was a step closer to the woman that I longed to be, but I didn’t know what she was like. I had buried myself underneath all that anger, fear, bitterness, etc.

Today, I met with a friend who has been wandering in the desert without a guide for almost seven years. She doesn’t see the point of being positive by saying positive words, she doesn’t really like to journal, and she doesn’t have a list of wants and desires anymore. She just wants a job as a receptionist. I know she wasn’t created for just a receptionist job. The depression shows up more in winter, the lack of sunlight pushes out the negative. Something has died in her, and she admits to this as well.

We can extol all the virtues of being positive, but for some of us, it’s a hard thing to bite. I have in the last few years found myself thinking more on the positive side, and that’s a huge help to my normally melancholy nature. It’s easier to think of all the great things, but all the hurdles are all I can entertain in my mind. I have learned some tricks to take care of my gloomy thoughts, and this is something that helps greatly in the long Canadian cold and damp winter of doom.

Pioneers in a New Land

Camping in the wilderness for a couple weeks is great until you start running out of food. The whole idea of camping is to get away from the city. Proving to ourselves that we can rough it, even though we take for granted all our little gadgets that await us when we arrive home.

We’re walking in the untilled land, and the lack of tools makes our journeys hard. It’s easy to lose sight of your passion when you can’t see how this could possibly lead to anything. Just a light covering of dust sitting on you. Doing something that keeps you from doing what you really want. Wherever you live there is a history underneath you, just as there is one in your heart. It’s time to start digging.



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The last few months have been puzzling as I face certain aspects in my life.

Normally, I would say I can find a balance between work, writing, and everything else, but it’s not happening right now.

I’m caught in this swirl of emotions and I want to use words to paint what is going on inside of me. I don’t think I can find God and I know he’s somewhere… just beyond my reach.

No regrets

A thousand years ago, I had a plan all mapped out, I was going to travel overseas with one of my best-friends, we’d go all over the place.  But he back out after being offered to drive an Ice Cream truck all summer, and that trumped backpacking all over Europe. Back then I had no idea that I struggled with depression and anxiety, and  it would’ve be the worst thing to do. And that so-called best-friend, turned out to be someone who was hiding, and well, some things are best left in the dust of the past.

The last few months have reminded me of my twenties when I was running away from who I was, and trying to be someone who I thought everyone would want. I feel as if I’ve lost my sense of direction, the internal compass inside of me is broken. I haven’t been following my plan for a long time, but it’s like the plan that I thought He had given me has disappeared. I want the Lord to fix this broken map, but he hasn’t supplied what I thought I needed.

God isn’t beyond my reach

I say that because I want and know Him to be aware of me. In my desiring, I want him to acknowledge me and swooped me up into His arms.

At times like this my anger usually flares up because it’s a natural reaction. I want Him to take notice that my prayers aren’t being answered. I hope that by being angry he’ll do something. Instead, He remains quiet through my tears and false accusations, and waits until I might be willing to listen to him.

In the last couple years, I have been taking (insert sarcasm here) a crash course called: This is Your Anger. In the beginning, I experienced my anger almost as a voyager because I was very aware of how my body felt as this secret rage roared to life inside of me. It was out of control, it was loud, inappropriate, selfish and full of pride. I would spend weeks, soaked in this emotion until I realized I didn’t want to feel this out of control. Instead of staying quiet, patient and trusting, and persisting in prayer even when the road in front looks bleak and bleeding.

Everything happening seems so contrary to what I thought would actually play out. In all of this I know that even though it all seems out-of-place, it isn’t at all. But that’s the thing, we are inhabitants of a world where stupid crazy things occur, and people wonder why; how did this happen? His plan is still playing out in a world gone completely mad, where common sense has simply dried up.


In the midst of all it His mercy still springs forth, and it was and is for me, in the form of giving thanks. Beginning last week, I began hearing (not audibly) about thanking him.

1 Thessalonians~5:16

So I began thanking Him for what I don’t like, for the situations which I tire of, and I found that as I listed my complaints that I wouldn’t think twice of thanking Him that a peace quietly arose inside of me.  It moves my focus off what I don’t have, want, or covet, and I am finding myself closer to what has been missing.




Walking Through the Shadows




That’s the only way I could define how I felt as I rode the train home from doing my groceries. I haven’t had any real peace since the beginning of November, but I didn’t notice this until I brought it out into the light. I didn’t want to talk about it, but I kept pushing the thoughts aside.

Asking the Practical Question

Murky waters are the best way to describe how I was seeing life around me. Normally my hours at work in the summer goes down, but this summer they didn’t, but then came Autumn, and it was like a trap door opened and all my hours vanished.  In the dimness, I have been struggling with sleep, the tug and pull game of being alert at all the wrong times. I am finding hope, but it has become painful through the wait. As the light gets darker, the grey clouds hover over increasingly more, and the dampness bit by bit drifts in without anyone noticing.

The gloom doesn’t seem out-of-place when you watch what is happening today. All the violence swirls together, but sometimes I think I become lukewarm amidst the lurking evil. Its part of what we go through every day.  Our stress levels inch up a bit each day until it is a problem, but by then it has become a part of the environment. Becoming acceptable for this kind of living that were convinced we will thrive in, if we could just get another hour of work in.

Near the beginning of October, I upped my dosage of Vitamin D due to the lack of sunlight, part and parcel of living at the photo-1421091242698-34f6ad7fc088altitude that I do. It is also a familiar part of me. Though for some reason I didn’t begin my light therapy because it’s one more thing to do, and discipline isn’t feared enough in the world. It’s not the easy way about doing things. It would be nice to shave off the fifteen minutes of my time, and put it to use somewhere else. But it can’t be put off anymore. Sleep is slipping, and the murmurs of depression creep into the crevices of my body. The feelings, the thoughts pound relentlessly in my mind, and I want to find the trapdoor, but it is also time to walk outside of the darkness and into the offering of light.


Finding a Beat



For some odd reason, I like telling people that I don’t remember my twenties. But most people don’t ask me why.

My simple answer is I was deeply depressed. Normally there is an ebb and flow, but I was a flatliner, and  believe me it was the grace of God that I didn’t try to commit suicide. Yes, I did have thoughts, but never to the extreme and I don’t really have the answer as to what kept me off the ledge.

I think for anyone, and anyone who in their twenties, it’s the question that begs to be asked, ‘What am I to do with the rest of my life?’ Some of us are fortunate to find our place pretty quickly, a job, a spouse, children and a house. That wasn’t the case with me, and for a lot others. When I was 29, and fearing the 30’s, and not knowing what to expect, I had two people who came up to me at two different times and tell how much  they loved their 30’s. It almost gave me something to look forward to.

It was at this point, I was on medication, so I was able to experience what normal felt like, and it was like a cool breeze being blown lightly on the inside of my heart. My heart/ my soul was thirsty and lapping up what light it could. It didn’t look so dark on the inside of me. However, the thirties were still challenging for me, it wasn’t that I got off easy because in many ways that’s when more intense healing came into my life. I can see now that, it was because I could handle more, everything has its time and place, even though we might not agree with it at first.

It certainly didn’t happen overnight, and it come with a lot of growing pains, and not to mention some really confusing situations as to how was I to handle this circumstance(s)? There is no instruction book on how to be a responsible adult, except what your parents teach you, and even that sometimes doesn’t help you out. Heck, your parents didn’t get a instructions book on how best to raise you and your siblings.

A few weeks ago, I speaking with a woman whose daughter is in the middle of her twenties. I hadn’t seen her daughter all that much since June, and I wanted to know how she was doing. Her mother shrugged her shoulders, and admitted she didn’t really know how to read her daughter, but just that she was angry. Life doesn’t turn out the way you and I imagined it would when we dreamed about it.

Our dreams our cultivated in part by the environment that we are reared up in and the culture that surrounds us. Nothing is perfect or fair about it. We make choices and in the years ahead we start to see them play out. I’ve leaned through a lot of mis -takes and that your attitude factors into a lot  of what I have learned.

In the last five years of my thirties, wisdom has been showing itself in the little things. It doesn’t push it’s lessons on you, – no, that’s for you to determine – are you going to resist, or are you going to be open to leaving your heart wide open to Him. When the burdens inside of me become too heavy and I want to disappear. I remind myself that I’ve overcome so much, and that there’s so much to come. Invite Him in and let His word touch the edges that are frayed to be healed.



Seeing Double

photo-1429637119272-20043840c013 Last Friday, I left my wallet at the Library. It wasn’t until I got home that I discovered that I didn’t have my wallet with me. It was confirmed by the message that the guy from the library left. If I could’ve hurled blood-curdling screams I would’ve, but I do have neighbours, and I didn’t want them to think I was off my rocker. It didn’t help that I was already mad at the receptionist when I went to go pick up my paycheck. I don’t know if she didn’t listen to me, or couldn’t hear me. It was a bad scene inside my head. It was already not the greatest week for me, my clients were all doing things that well, according to my supervisor could easily boot them off the schedule. I have a bad habit of measuring my worth by what the popular group is doing, and lucky for me there is a plethora of triggers just waiting to be used. But lately the Lord keeps bringing up this subject of worth in my life, and as much as I would like to press next, I just don’t think this is going to happen. When the Lord wants something, He usually gets it. I don’t have an exact marker of when it began, but I figured that I could stop the pain that I felt, the pain of rejection, of not knowing if I was loved. Today, I know it’s better known as a defence mechanisms, but I thought it was taking care of myself when no one else knew that I needed help. If I could keep myself hidden, and no one problems then everything would be good. Right? Not so much I have discovered. I fed myself messages that I thought would help me get through the day, words that would deflect the loneliness, anger, frustration, whatever emotions held me captive that particular day, week or month. It’s starting to back fire on me. On the way back to the library, I tried ignoring the pain caused by the blisters caused by the constant rubbing of skin and leather. It’s not the sandals fault, in fact, these are not those cheap ones that you would expect to cause blisters. No, I am not breaking them in – I had them for a few years. Nor were they cheap.  I could’ve before put some band-aids on the open and oozing blisters, but I decided that the pain wasn’t that bad, and besides I was used to it. Afterwards as I took the time to put some plasters on them, I felt immediate relief. At the time, I was angry and I was determined to show myself no mercy. But underneath it I think God is trying to show me the possibility of more, something a lot better than what I have been forcing on myself. There’s several sides to me depending on who I am with. It started because I didn’t know I could feel certain emotions against people I believed I was to love. I was never encouraged to take care of myself, and I’m not blaming anyone but myself because only I know what I need. My needs have a voice, and one of them is knowing that I am worth it, that I am not this terrible person that I have told myself for years. A big part of the problem was I didn’t know who I was in Him. Didn’t know that I am all the things and more that I have always wanted to be. I don’t know the ‘more’, and that’s for God to disclose at His pleasure, and that is one of my weakness. I’m afraid that there isn’t anything, that it’s just space. That space is where the darkness pervades and eats up the light where God is and is waiting for me to tell my’ bullies’ to get lost. You see he’s given me what I need to get rid of the ‘bullies’, I can believe the lies or I can focus on the truth, hope and love that he has given me. I can blame the depression or I can renounce the belief of the lies that I have believed for so long. But the Lord seem to be saying to me, “That’s enough.” Enough of what? Denying His birthright in me, His plans for me,(Jer~29:11-14) I don’t have to go between two personalities, two beliefs because the one that God has given me is full of His life.


Remember Who You Are




It’s something we take for granted, something we forget that it’s an action that keeps us alive. Remember every inhale and exhale involves the scared. Simple actions can create triggers inside people and without realizing it, they let go of who they are.

I am worthy.

My sister instructed me to repeat those words, I just wanted to talk and she just wanted to be the good sister that she is to me.  It was all coming back and how, I did feel unworthy of so many things. Ask and it shall be given to you. Matthew~7:7    I didn’t ask, but it didn’t mean it wasn’t in my heart, and of course, He knows our thoughts, desires, wishes for He desired them first.

I don’t want her to talk so much, but she was trying to show me through the experiences she went through that she undersands me. I forget sometimes that she grew up with me. I realize how little I knew of who she was growing up. She remembers things about me that I did and now I do not remember.

A fire has been lit in her, and for every situation that is beyond her control, she surrenders to her Lord. Yes, she is His, just as much as He is hers. Never would I imagine that I would be about learning how much I can trust her. He is faithful and trustworthy in all things.

She did listen but not as silently as I had wished, hoped or would’ve tried to control. As I struggled to listen and wonder what relevance her experience(s) had to do with my situation. I closed my eyes and breathed.  Silently You drew out what you needed to tell me, and everything came rushing forward to me. Incidents that happened over a week and a half ago, suddenly lay naked in front of me. The pain I refused to let go of didn’t pierce my heart anymore. The pinch lessened as my understanding expanded in my heart, and the anxiety,doubt and anger dissolved.

Put on a Pedestal

No I’m not on a pedestal, but I put someone else who is a sinner just like me in that position. I don’t know all her struggles or triumphs, but from where I stand, sit or lie, her vantage point of view is better than from where I am standing. I will never know everything about her, but I have been focusing on what she has, but not on what she lacks. What she lacks, I have in an abundance, and what she has, I don’t know if I’ll ever have.

I love words, which probably explains my love of reading and writing. I like letting words work themselves all around in my head, and I silently say each syllable. I repeat this word as one would chew on their food. How do I feel about it? What does it remind me of ? What colour is it? Maybe what I lack is a gain, a reward that will continue to bloom in my life until it has been exhausted. When it is gone, I will go back and remember who I am, and I will remember to breathe.