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Seeking Life

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What are you seeking in this life?

Is it beauty?

Is it authenticity?

Is it a relationship?

Is it more money?

Some of us have given up, at least that’s what we tell ourselves, but do we know why? I don’t know about you but I am still trying to seek the life I imagined when I was a little girl. Nothing is turning out the way I had planned it. And somehow it doesn’t seem fair because some people appear to have it all. What do they have what you don’t?

I have this card which I bought years ago, it is a picture of a golf course with an orange-yellow sunset in the background. I had it laminated because of the statement that is below.

 

“There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few will catch your heart…pursue those.”

 

Still, this speaks to me because this is what it’s all about, it’s about finding out what holds your heart and drives you to a place you never thought or even hoped could be possible.

Isolation is my default. I’m happy with a few friends, and I don’t want to be the centre of attention, but ‘people’ still worry about my lack of friends. I love spending time alone in my apartment after a long day of work. I’ve done all the socializing that I can handle for the day. Yet it doesn’t seem to be enough for others. Why do others seem to think if I only have a few friends that it just isn’t enough for them? And it is about them.

Yes, isolation has been a problem and became a safe place for me when I was being bullied in school. It is was also a place where I volunteered to belittle myself because I just couldn’t seem to meet my peer’s expectations of me. Their beliefs became mine, and I struggled to conform myself to their ideals, but I convinced myself somehow that they were right to have the assumptions they had of me.

It’s Easy to Get Sidetracked

Getting back out has shown me that often the people who may be well-meaning don’t necessarily have your best interest at heart because if they did they wouldn’t question what they think you lack. It’s not a want the way they may see it.

I’ve always wanted to live a life of passion, and not in the literal sense of being the typical writer living in poverty. I want to live out my desire as in, actively seeking to follow my heart’s song. What do I most enjoy doing despite everything else that is considered necessary? What do I do when I am supposed to be doing something I don’t particularly like? I want to stay in the sunset that is part of the golf course that’s calling to me. The color of the sunset is the eye of the passion, of your desire, and if you cultivate it – it will grow.

So then, no boasting about human leaders, all things are yours, whether Paul, or Apollo or Cephas or the world or life on death or present or the future all are yours and you are of Christ, and Christ is of God.

                                                                                                                                                      1Corinthians 3:21-23

This life of seeking is full of fear, excitement, doubt and hope. There doesn’t have to be a deadline of what you can accomplish, it doesn’t have to stop because you’ve turned a certain age. When it comes to what kind of potential do you have, it can be limitless because all of our desires are in Christ, who is of God. People die, flowers will wilt away, but life, a life lived in Christ never dies.

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Uncharted Land

 

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More people would walk into the unknown parts of their hearts if fear didn’t hold them back. But most of us don’t even know what holds us back.

What part of your heart have you not yet acknowledged?

The heart could be likened to an uncharted area or a territory of land waiting to be discovered. It’s a barren stretch of fear that limits any access to a part of ourselves that holds pieces that could change the very core of how we approach life. Some of us are waiting for the right moment, or they believe that it has passed them by already. But I think most don’t really know what their heart yearns for. I don’t have anything to prove my theory except that we don’t take the time to explore what really drives us. What is your passion and how do you want to experience it in this life?

Sure there are thousands of quotes and sayings that encourage its readers to take risks: to follow their heart, to live simply. This is a great start, but there’s a problem here. A lot of us don’t know what it is that drives them. They don’t know what is in their heart, AND they don’t know their heart, so they certainly won’t know how to follow [your heart] it. We react distinctly from years of doing just that, reacting to a stimulation that rubs us the wrong way. We complain to anyone who will listen, but did it occur to anyone that their trigger is something more than just being rubbed the wrong way?

Falling Deeper

I remember my doctor telling me that many of his patients when given the opportunity to find out what issue(s) they’re dealing with, don’t want to know. I didn’t really understand it because I am just naturally curious as a person, and I wanted to know what my issues were. Maybe I like suffering, but I don’t think that was the reason why. Learning about myself has been a wonderful journey, and even with the stretches that I would rather forget. Each step I took forward was a step closer to the woman that I longed to be, but I didn’t know what she was like. I had buried myself underneath all that anger, fear, bitterness, etc.

Today, I met with a friend who has been wandering in the desert without a guide for almost seven years. She doesn’t see the point of being positive by saying positive words, she doesn’t really like to journal, and she doesn’t have a list of wants and desires anymore. She just wants a job as a receptionist. I know she wasn’t created for just a receptionist job. The depression shows up more in winter, the lack of sunlight pushes out the negative. Something has died in her, and she admits to this as well.

We can extol all the virtues of being positive, but for some of us, it’s a hard thing to bite. I have in the last few years found myself thinking more on the positive side, and that’s a huge help to my normally melancholy nature. It’s easier to think of all the great things, but all the hurdles are all I can entertain in my mind. I have learned some tricks to take care of my gloomy thoughts, and this is something that helps greatly in the long Canadian cold and damp winter of doom.

Pioneers in a New Land

Camping in the wilderness for a couple weeks is great until you start running out of food. The whole idea of camping is to get away from the city. Proving to ourselves that we can rough it, even though we take for granted all our little gadgets that await us when we arrive home.

We’re walking in the untilled land, and the lack of tools makes our journeys hard. It’s easy to lose sight of your passion when you can’t see how this could possibly lead to anything. Just a light covering of dust sitting on you. Doing something that keeps you from doing what you really want. Wherever you live there is a history underneath you, just as there is one in your heart. It’s time to start digging.

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Passion

 

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We all have it.

It just depends on how you choose to expand your potential.

At some point, I realized that I didn’t have a detailed plan in my head when I answered the Lord’s call to follow Him. I thought it meant completely giving up any and all writing. I believed I needed to give up everything I thought that was important to me. Wrong, wrong, wrong. All the attempts to not write, only seem to intensify my desire to write. I didn’t think I had a single thread of talent when it came to writing. I didn’t even think in my wildest dreams that He would want me to write. I assumed that God, in the beginning, was a punishing God, so that anything that I wanted would be something that He would probably take away from me.

Yes, I am speaking about that hidden talent or gifting that you think is stupid or someone else years ago made fun of. So you tuck it away and pretend that it doesn’t matter.

But you know it does

It comes out when you don’t want it to. That hidden desire that streaks across your eyes and ignites a firestorm in your heart. A burn that you can’t make up even if you wanted to. It’s different for each of, and unfortunately, most of us aren’t aware of what were fervent about. How can you tell what it is that you’re passionate about, well for the one you don’t talk about it.

Let’s say you love animals, and as a child, you spent more time with them than humans. It wasn’t just interesting, it was your ability to connect with them, and understand them. People could see how awesome you were with animals. It just happens that one of your friend’s parents was a veterinarian, and she let you volunteer at the animal hospital where she worked. It was what helped you decide that you wanted to be a vet. It made so much sense to you, and it brought a joy and peace to your entire being.

Passion isn’t enough

No one told me how it would feel to be an adult, mostly because there are no instructions on how to grow up. It’s a hit and miss. Largely made up of what I like to call experience. Sometimes we use our experiences well, and sometimes we stay stuck in our mistakes. Our mistakes can convince us that our passion isn’t worth it, and what we felt wasn’t real or had no substance to it. In general, everyday living gets in the way, and you don’t take the route you always intended. You had a plan, and it’s not the unfolding way it did in your head. So what’s the point of spending time with what you’re passionate about? Doubt strips away courage that you built up before you were hit with the reality that the choices you make do have consequences in your life. You can’t bottle up your passions, or they’ll disappear if you don’t fight for what remains in your heart.

I believe more people would walk into the unknown parts of their hearts if fear didn’t hold them back.