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new hallelijah

When I was younger, I gave up easily, the world all around me seemed impossible to penetrate, and I couldn’t see any possibilities. My attitude towards believing in myself was empty. So much was going on that there was a thick fog wrapped around my mind, and I wasn’t able to see through it.  Instead of moving forward like I wanted, I kept taking steps backward. There is this spirit of persistence that has steadily grown inside of me with time. My understanding of my younger self is fuller and more forgiving.  Every day, He fills me with a new song, some of them are loud and some are whispered. Each time I run to the desert, he comes looking for me. He knows where all of his children are. His mercy goes on forever.

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Let’s Begin!

It’s official!

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I have started my journey, well it began when I was born, but the no longer knowing which way to go was initiated quietly. This month I have griped, complained, screamed and given up altogether. When I saw the quote below something seem to nod inside of me. Maybe I am beginning to retain that I am not the one in charge of my big adventure: The universe is bigger than I thought and no I am not descended from the stars.

When we no longer know which way to go, we have begun our real journey.
Wendell Berry

The air I breathe is hot and dry. The thoughts running around in my mind blame me for not being more disciplined, kind, thoughtful and strong. It’s as simple as needing a word of affirmation from my supervisor, who in a straightforward manner has never told me that I am a good worker. Each day, I set out to do my best, and every day the Lord challenges me to go one step further to give His best to the clients, to give my all to him.

“Christ with me
Christ before me
Christ behind me
Christ in me,

A few weeks ago, the words of Isaiah 30:15-18 wandered into my heart, reminding me that I am to be quiet and trust in Him because that is where my strength comes from. Don’t be the wild horses that Isaiah warns the Israelites about because His graciousness won’t come near, and or allow the graces to trickle down on them. Instead they will rage, which leads them around in circles in an aim to find something that will calm the fire that is burning in their souls.

Christ beneath me,
Christ above me,
Christ on my right,
Christ on my left,

Maybe it’s just the January blah. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to spend time in a place that was near to the warm sun, blue skies and clear blue waters. I’ll have a drink of Pina Coloda with one those little pink plastic umbrella’s floating around in sweet frothiness.

No, I don’t think that will solve my problems except prevent the inevitable, which is something I am learning about in trying to discipline myself through doing the things I don’t want to do. Fours years ago, it wasn’t like this, but truthfully, I don’t remember how it was or if it really was a concern for me.

Prayer is normally what upheld me, but it didn’t in the beginning, and as time continued, it kept falling and falling until it was broken. My  prayers, which I claimed was how I ‘breathed’ disappeared into some kind of far away land that sucked it out of me. I can’t ever go there. I didn’t even know if I believed that God answered prayers.

Christ when I lie down,
Christ when I sit down,
Christ when I arise,

The almost physical sense of God passed into oblivion, and a silent, invisible guidance has replaced its place inside of me. Even that definition doesn’t do it justice. His being resides inside of my soul, and he doesn’t demand control over me. Stay where you are because he will come for you. He will not forget his promise, unlike us who promise but seldom deliver. Comfort is easing itself back into my life, but there is still much work to be done.

Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,

Rule of Life

St. Benedict is known for many things, but it’s his Rule of Life that he wrote for his religious community that is most familiar to me. My Spiritual Director suggested that I construct my own Rule of Life. Something that will and can lead to my heighten awareness of Him in my everyday life.

Christ in every eye that see me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.”

– St. Patrick

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Two Sided Love

Grace is waiting for me on the other side.

All I have to do is  to receive the love that’s being offered to me. It feels like all the walls are closing in on me, and nothing of what I dreamed is coming true. The colours are fading away from the promises that are encrypted on my heart. Prayers from the heart are the true conversations that goes on between me and my Father.

Fight the words that remain locked in conflict of free will, which determines the winner. Do I not perceive His glory wrapping around me in this struggle ensuring that He will come out the victor, despite my lack of vision that has disappeared.

Relationships from my past have marred my ability to hear Your voice over all the doubts, to recognize the lies that pause in wait to attack my gentle approach. I need to release the reservations that I hold in my heart because You do hear me. I need to be willing to ease up on myself. Your approach has been patient and delicate while You were busy weaving Your silent love into my broken heart.

Prayer gives me the relationship that I am craving. It gives me life to breathe in His Spirit and know that whatever I have asked, begged for He has heard me for he cannot deny himself to my petitions, my pleas to be healed of the sins that burden me. In His identity, he has invited me and you, to join the rest of the Church for our supplications to be heard before the Throne of the Most High.

How can I respond with trust and humility to the kind of relationship that is required with a God who is perfect in every way? Trusting His ways are a surer and more pure way to sanctification.

Relationships claim us for others, not for ourselves. You and I are not our 1-1251132666T9gKown. I have been given gifts that I can no longer hide. It just isn’t fair to others for me to hoard what I have been given to give away. Therefore, in the relationship that I have with You; you have stake your claim with His blood to never forget me. To always love, honour and cherish. You’ll see through me even if I hide from all the blessings offered to me. In the beginning, I pushed you away from my heart because I thought there wasn’t any goodness inside of me. My interior was dark and shrouded in lies that I believed in. There was no way I could be who You made me when I denied the love you wanted to lavish on me.

Freedom is presented to me.

It exists in accepting His love that sweeps me up, and if I am open to His plan and the wholeness that rests in my heart. I can finally work on being and becoming who He created me to be. My free will is a gift with no strings attached. Situations don’t happen according to how I think they should, but if I choose Him, I can have everything because it was His first.

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A Deeper Depth

 

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Deeper into the water I have wandered. I have left the dry land because I thought I was following You out into the bottomless mysteries of the sea.

For over three years, I thought I heard you beckoning to me, but the door slammed shut on my heart. Now, I am trying to find a place to land, but the water never recedes. The pain burns inside of me, and the imprint of the hands of the enemy is choking me. I have never felt so misled. I am calling your name but Your voice has become higher than the wind. Instead of just floating, I am smothering myself with lies until I can’t distinguish the truth. The puncture of the wound continues to flare inside.

You’re not where you used to be, you’re not even the God who I fell in love with and wanted to follow with my whole life. But, I’m not the person I thought myself to be when I answered Your call. Maybe there is no shoreline and the water will never reach completion.

Deeper into your life, your misery has been fully exposed, and deeper into your meekness; I have discovered your poverty is a thorn. My body is a part of the church that sways in the water. It has become undisguised; however, I stay and travel down the empty beach.

Anger is a choice, but sometimes it doesn’t seem like one at all. The tide comes in and the force of the wave grabs me off my feet. It’s an emotional wind tunnel that has me trapped, and I think it’s a right – a right to be angry – at the situations that leave me irritated and confused.

Control all around me is waiting to be exposed, but it’s only my inability to express my anger stuffed inside of me.  Emotions stalk me like a wanted criminal with my picture up on a board that only exists in my mind. Demanding of my time and space and they distort my perception of reality when I am attempting to let go of the situation.

Nowhere in the Gospel, have I read of Jesus being angry with the his disciples for doing something stupid or inappropriate. No, he simply rebukes them and moves on. His poverty is so great that his understanding of them leads them to a deeper hunger to know him more. His emptiness providing the safe passage to His heart. His gentleness towards me is beyond my comprehension, his handling of my poverty with such care and kindness. Anger leaves me with a sense of control and somehow by my reaction something is accomplished. Unfortunately, it’s the exact opposite; I am stuck with remorse and a heart that’s begging for His Mercy.

Nothing is as it seems.

People aren’t who they think they are, they’re afraid of who they really are. They could be a better version than they are now, but they’re not willing to let go of what they think ‘life’ is.

Unknown destinations scare me, yes, God is calling me to trust in him, but often I would rather the trail of breadcrumbs to lead me.

Quiet is what I have been given.

No sound but the quiet that resounds inside of me, and the confusion that still pounds in my heart and my head. I want to be made of a tougher interior but I am not. It’s a humble acceptance that I must take and step forward to continue on whatever path the Lord has set me on despite what I have experienced.

All around the noise, I am probing in between the layers of lifedisplay_imageCAWASACP to discover more of him and more of His silence. My expectations upset my preconceived ideas, but I am waiting. He is moving me to the deeper end of the spectrum. He assures me it is safe to jump off the old squeaky swing, and that I will land in his arms. Don’t focus on the turmoil that resides inside of me – just do it. He murmurs to me. I want an easy way out, but there never has been one. Soaring into the fresh air, the new abounds in abundance. Catching my old self, and letting her grieve her ghosts that linger. Perhaps, I’ve reached the plateau that I have been contemplating for so long.