“It was one way of keeping God at a distance, so I could be the poor little girl who had a rough time of it. I’m not diminishing the suffering that I did experience, but she (the little girl) needs to know her place.”
“You can’t really put trust in a jar and sell it, it needs to be learned.”
The words above come from an email that I sent to a friend with whom I am reading a book. At the end of each chapter, we’re discussing how the particular chapter has affected us individually. The last chapter was about identity, and I was kind of surprised when my inability to trust came up. I didn’t think trust and identity would be paired together. I am starting to understand why I need to know who He is, in order to know who I am, and how this merges with trusting in Him.
I have a bad habit of skipping parts of the novels that I read to make sure that it ends the way that I want it to. I have been known to stop reading a book if it doesn’t end the way I think it should. I want just a bit of perfection in the books I love to read; after all they’re not in the romance department for nothing.
By skipping parts of the book, I realized that I wasn’t trusting the author who has promised me a romance to keep her part of the deal.
In the last five years, my concept of who God is, and what, where, and who He really is, has been redesigned for me, even though I resisted the in beginning.
It sounds simple to alter something in your life, but thinking about it and doing it are two different cupcakes. When I heard God’s voice beginning to shift, I didn’t realize what was happening.
It didn’t occur to me that trust has to be learned, but when you think about it, it makes sense. In order to trust anyone you do need to know who you are, it’s the idea that in order to truly accept the other person, you need to receive who you are in the image of God, and yes, it’s a life long process.
If you want to have a relationship with a person you need to be able to trust, this I knew, but I didn’t realize it was my stumbling block – my brick wall. I learnt from my Dad how to be evasive and hide from who I am.
Growing up, I always wanted to be married and have a family, but it never occurred to that I would be still single at almost 40. For a long time, I thought that God was punishing me for what I knew was missing in me.
Trust in Me
Everything began falling away about 4 1/2 years ago, when circumstances beyond my control caused me to take a closer look. At first, it wasn’t anything that really concerned me, in fact, it was quite the opposite. As my experience of God began to intensify to the point I was overflowing with Him, but everything that goes up must come down.
As I have spoken of having problems praying, and I don’t know why that happened. I didn’t realize in the beginning that I didn’t hear or sense His voice. I stood still and my focus reminded me of the ride, “Tilt a Twirl.” I didn’t know where I was going, and how I was going to find God. He was anywhere but where I wanted him to be.
I could imagine all kinds of possibilities and ideas right in front of me, but they weren’t for me. Beauty in all it’s stages kept slipping by. As a monarch butterfly that floats in front of you, it captures your imagination as it sashay before you. It’s wings are weightless as it hovers over each flower before it moves to the next blossom. The butterfly moves in slow motion, and it isn’t too busy to visit each bloom.
I got to the point where I think I became afraid to ask the Lord any questions because of my lack of trust; so no hearing his voice. Scripture was no longer the treasure it had been. Staring at the space between each word, and trying to will ‘it’ to be what only God could infuse with His life. Instead, the words that appeared; were dull and hollow. I kept asking him what he was showing me, and all I heard was: Trust in Me.
I took those words, those precious three words with the spaces in between and began sloshing them around in my mouth. As I did that I tried to focus on what they meant to me. The beavers dam inside of me needed a little boost to break. Allowing His spring of New Life to bring down the barriers that stopped His infusion of love.
It began with starting this blog, and I had no plans about what it would be about, but he soon showed me what He desired. He wanted me to use the gifts that I had tried to return because I didn’t feel I deserved anything that He gave me. Through others, he has convinced me that this is indeed His gift to me and to be shared with others.
I was entering territory that I had denied myself beforehand. Somehow, I made this decision that I was unqualified or irredeemable. I chose this out of anger and bitterness, and I determined that it was what I deserved. My fear and anger sheltered me (very much) to all the choices that God offered. My trust in him, my ability to act in it was buried underneath.
It seems ironic that He was waiting for me, I mean God of the Universe who made the Earth in seven days – is waiting for me! For a while I was convinced it was the other way around.
My friend remarked that she knew that this growth in trust didn’t come easy. She’s right, it came through taking what was old and making it new. Taking away what was familiar to me and bringing me to a new place that is still being built.