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Travel and Tell No One…

 

 

Every Tuesday, I go to see Jose my only Spanish client, and fortunately for me, his Spanish-speaking Personal Support Worker (PSW) is also there. Jose has a habit of slipping into Spanish and he expects me to understand him, which I don’t. So while I am there cleaning or/and doing his laundry, Marta his Spanish PSW speaks to me in English.

In June, Marta found out that I was going on holiday because I asked her to translate to our client that I wouldn’t be coming to give him services that particular week. She asked me if I was going anywhere for my week off. I told her no that I wasn’t traveling any [exotic places] where for seven days. This seems to bother her because in her thickly accented English she asked, “Why aren’t you going anywhere?”

Truth be known I didn’t want to go anywhere, I don’t have any worthwhile savings, and I was only taking a week off. I might consider it if I was taking two weeks, but I regress because I don’t have any worthwhile savings. Oh, I also have a loan from school to pay off. Marta shook her head still not seeming to understand why I wasn’t going anywhere.

It was after this that she began to tell me she was going to Spain in January 2018. Marta is from Cuba and has never been to Spain. I realized as she spoke about this trip – and it surprised me – I have no desire to travel on a plane, which is another reason: no desire. I kept this piece of information to myself because I had a hunch she wouldn’t understand that either. Don’t get me wrong Marta is a very nice woman, but it’s one of those situations that I can’t literally run from. I don’t know if there is a typical Spanish woman, but if I were to typecast, I think Marta would fit that mold. I on the other hand not so much, though I have tried.

Not going anywhere for my holidays didn’t bother me as much as it did Marta or some of the other people who equated holidays to physical movement to another place with different weather. In my defence to you the reader, I have done some traveling aboard if you were wondering. I’m not opposed it, but right now God has limited my traveling abilities. My idea of a holiday [as of late] is to not go to work, stay at home, read, write, cook, bake, hang out with a friend, or go check out the  La Machine in front of my city’s City Hall last Friday.

I checked d out what the exact definition of travel was, and while physically traveling came up first there were other possibilities that were available. What I didn’t want to share was it’s nothing for me to travel to faraway lands via my imagination. It’s my belief too sometimes all this it’s all about appearances because my journey so far has enabled me to travel to areas of myself that I believed were impossible to find. For now, the only journey I am concerned with is the one that I am doing on the inside. The person I was yesterday is not the person I am today.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5

Artificial vs. Authenic

 

Since February 27th, I have not eaten any refined sugar.

I’ve gone off sugar before, but this time I’m doing because I think this is what He asks of me. Do I do everything He wants of me? Answer: It took me over a year to get to this point. So with two weeks under my belt, I am scouring all the whole eating cookbooks from my library. I don’t want to feel that I don’t have a good supply of recipes that are mainly plant-based (with some meat eating) food.

All my life my Mom has taught my sister and me on what to eat and what not. She bought unbleached flour in bulk from Health Food Stores where only the earth-loving people bought from. She was always looking for ways to eat healthier for herself and my sister and me.  My sister and I were fortunate because there are a lot of people who don’t know how to eat what’s good for your body.

If there is a theme to be had in my life, it is to be authentic

Not everyone is on the whole food bandwagon, but I wish they were because we swallow way too many pills. Most people don’t eat this way because they’re not convinced, or it’s too much work. Anything that is of quality, or has the ability is going to require work. Even though I can’t see the inside of my body, I am hoping in years to come, I will be able to experience the beauty that comes from eating a diet that aims at nourishing the inside of me.

When we think of taking care of ourselves, most of us think of facials, manicures, pedicures, massages, etc. But what about the inside?

I’ll admit myself here first; it’s laziness. There are all kinds of words that I could use on the majority of us. Few of us have experienced the kind of food our grandparents grew up on, which I believe was a lot healthier. We’re busy, and I am too, but what about choosing your busyness? Yep, we choose where and when we are busy. It’s easy to skimp on the healthier choice because it’s cheaper. It usually tastes good, and it’s simple to prepare, which (not always!) means it’s probably full of refined sugar.

It’s important that if you’re going to live authentically in any shape that you need to look at what kind of food you are putting into your temple. All the points I have spoken about in the past, echo with what kind of food you’re putting into your body. Why poison your body when it’s the one place where we come to union with Him. Why consume artificial ingredients when you can have the real thing.

When we put down our masks and take off our costumes, and the next level of wholeness can open up to us. Lately the Lord has been encouraging me to stand up for my needs, and in particular voicing them aloud. It’s something I was scared to do in the beginning, but I know who I am and who I am not. It becomes a burden that isn’t mine to shoulder when I know there is a practical answer. I watch people all around me and I wonder if they know who they are, and do they want to know. I feel as if I’ve been given a gift by going below the surface to understand who I am. There is so much to us if we would just take the time to seek Him. What is put in our body affects the spiritual part even though some would not admit that it does. We are called to be a good steward of our land and our resources, but are we being good stewards of our body?

 

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Unlimited Rest

 

 

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For five days, I had no Internet access.

I thought about pulling my hair out my roots or screaming bloody murder to express my frustration, hurling something hard across the room. My work timetable for this week and the rest of the month is on my email account. My Internet service provider (ISP) took an extra-long New Year’s week off, so what’s a girl to do? Whatever happened to being reliable?

I don’t know if they (my ISP) have an advanced knowledge of the future, but you can’t know when or if the Internet is going to stop working for one or a group of people. If I had known that I would be able to access anything online, I would’ve planned ahead. Not having the Internet is not the end of the world, but some of my world is on the online, and I kind of feel as if my life has been put on hold.

I get that everyone needs time off, to rest, to take a break from work and stress. Spending time with people you love and doing things you enjoy. That is not hard to understand, but when you have clients who may or may not have good connections…

Solid Relationships

It’s easy in this online world to forget on what is really needed, and what is just a candy coated WANT.  I’ve spoken on how it’s so easy to close ourselves off from initiating and maintaining relationships that aren’t online, in fact, it’s easier to form a relationship than when you are physically face to face.

I remember signing up my with my ISP having some bumps in the beginning. The Lord taught me a few lessons on trusting in Him using the Internet. Whenever I would have problems, I would first stop and ask the Lord what is his prayer for my Internet connection. It’s hard to remember that He is in control of even your ISP, and that again He is asking for your trust in him. I have incorporated so much of my writing with being online that it’s a real step back for me. I am part of the Gen X, so I grew up without being online, but I wonder how it might affect those don’t know life without the Internet.

In the short-term, I have been spending more time journaling, and reading the last few days, I can see how much busier we’ve become with the Internet in our lives. I am in this competition against myself to see if I can win this impossible race.

Recalling my relationship to Him, helps me to ask what is really important, and the only answer is Him. It helps me to know what exactly I need to do, not should, could, but need to do. Without realizing it, being online is like us breathing, but when it’s taken away, I would then liken the withdrawal symptoms similar to how are we to breathe?

Be Still and Know that I am God ~ Psalm 47:10

Praying, journaling, silence and solitude.

Closing my eyes, and taking a deep breath, and remembering I don’t need to have it all. Just where I am, and who I am is enough. Trusting comes with believing that He wants the best, and maybe that includes your Internet connection.

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Listen to What People Don’t Say

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That can be a hard one, to listen in the spaces that exist and to catch the words that aren’t spoken. Emotions that roll through the unsaid words and still do damage to all the persons involved.

       We are all broken, that’s how the light gets in. Ernest Hemingway

Water leaks out of the pipes and no one sees. The hard edges of rust sit until they are discovered, and with silent gasps of horror and disgust, fear spiraling out of your eyes. The smell of a campfire surrounds the air, burning wood sends out smoke signals. The heat of the fire can’t hide the dampness and the cold wind that dips down onto the ground.

Listen to what they don’t speak, or when their heart breaks

Walking through a shopping mall amidst the older people who sit on the cushions with long faces. They come here every day hoping to fill a hole in their heart. Others are just passing by on their lunch break too busy to look up as they speak with a colleague.

                                                                       Courage, dear heart. C. S. Lewis

What if I failed like I did last time? Already I can hear his voice, saying, “I told you this isn’t your thing.” But he doesn’t understand the desire that lives inside of me. It’s like if I don’t keep trying a part of me will wilt to nothing. There’s no way I can put it into words, I don’t think God has created a way that describes how free and wonderful I feel when I am able to get it right. I want to fly. I want to run away from home, but if I do, will they let me come back? But if I’m truthful, it’s not home anymore. I wish my eyes were able to take pictures of what I see now, and what I am entering into.

She understood that the hardest times in life to go through were when you were transitioning from one version of yourself to another.  Sarah Addison Allen

This transitions part really sucks because I feel like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly, it’s so painful. There are people who mean the world to me, but I don’t see their purpose in my life anymore.  I am not the same person anymore, and if I am truthful about the situation, I don’t want to go back. All around me, people are hurting. Not in the same way but sins are overflowing, and there is nowhere to keep the tide from exposing more grief.

A lot of people are afraid to say what they want, that’s why they don’t get what they want.  Madonna

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Deep Beauty – Part 3

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A friend of mine believes gender is a social construct. In my disbelief, I kept asking her why she believed in this concept, but she refused to give me an answer. We have lost the truth of who we really are, and replaced them with lies. Whatever makes you feel good. The place I call home is no longer safe; it has become a foreign piece of land. I wait for the bus to pass me by and I feel bombarded by the confusion that lies in the hearts of the people around me. I might not know all of them by name but things changed by the minute, and they don’t question the why’s anymore. In fact, we’re being taught not to question what we see or read. If we don’t have truth then we don’t have justice, you can’t have one without the other.

Fear has delicately found a place in our heart. It masquerades as a friend, media, food, we need to have something to give us vitality. We live unfilled lives, which are vacant of the beauty and abundance that God meant for us to have; we are stuck in the cold darkness of superficiality. We lust after money and power, and step over others when the situation calls for compassion, kindness and love. Oh, and where has common sense gone?  Good old common sense that no doubt our grandparents had in abundance. It’s gone, slipped through the cracks. It’s something that you might get the kind look as if you have three heads instead of just one.

But he who acts in truth comes into the light, to make clear that his deeds are done in God. John 3:19-21

Even in the dark of the night, I cannot see, it is like being blind because I’m not sure of what I am seeing in front of me. Jesus tells me to shy away from those who are evil.

You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemies. But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you   Matthew~ 5:43-44

The early morning dawn has a quality of a flower that is beginning to open up. The dusk that plagued my being vanished, and an exchange of light has restored all that the darkness destroyed.

 

Our labour here is brief,

but the reward is eternal.

Do not be disturbed

by the clamour of the world,

which passes like a shadow.

St. Clare of Assisi

 

Stay clear of worldly, idle talk and the contradictions of what is falsely called knowledge. In laying claim to such knowledge some men have missed the goal of faith. 

Timothy 6:20-21

 

 

 

 

 

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Reconstructed

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Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for you I entrust my life. Ps ~143:8

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Broken in pieces.

That’s what I am, and that’s what I am trying to get across with all these posts. Each time I notice another crack in myself, a part of me gets a little excited because that means I can write another post! So even though I might view my life as sedentary and boring, I am hoping each newly discovered crack is another way to glorify the Lord.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King’s horses and all the King’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty back together again.

Not your friendliest nursery rhyme.

I always wanted to know why Humpty Dumpty had a great fall, did someone push him, or was it just back luck? And no one was able to put him back together again? I guess the King was unwilling to find all of his pieces, and help him back up to the wall where he sat. Obviously, we don’t know the same King, but the one I know is all about restoration.

My life is built on the kind of relationships I have sought out, and though they may be gnarled and twisted, everything in its time has its glory. I have spoken about the lack of what I thought was a prayer time with the Lord. In the last year, I have been experiencing a confidence that was lacking when I had the ground pulled out from me. This web of relationships either hinders or propels me to gather more of His graces. But it’s also the desire that wells up from inside of me that encourages me to want more than what I currently possess. In turn,their prayers help me get through what maybe a day that feels like I am dragging my feet through thick mud.

It’s been five years since the Lord changed how I hear him. No, it hasn’t flipped back when I wasn’t looking, though I do admit I looked for it. I begged for it to return and wished things could just return to my normal. Along the way, when I stopped being stubborn I heard him assure me, not in that physical way, but deeper. In his reassurance that He won’t leave me and he’ll always provide for me, even in my barrenness. When I wasn’t looking an awareness of an ability to trust in Him happen upon me.. An easy delight to know that He leads me. I trust when I don’t think I hear anything, and I step out in a seemingly dark path before me. Hearing and trust I think are cousins, in fact, I suspect He has introduced me to another of their cousin; persistence. I have no physical sense to guide me to discern except His Spirit, and that it can sometimes feels like I am trying to jaywalk  across a highly congested highway. He wants me to rely fully on Him, and I am resisting that part less, standing up taller and experiencing a glow that starts from the inside. Tenacity of a faith lived out in action and words

Why?

Questions are always at the forefront of my brain, but I have come to realize that most of my questions will remain just that – questions. I grew up devouring Nancy Drew and Agatha Christie books, so the  mysteries in my life were originally only found in books, but as time goes on, I am further convinced that my life is made up of  His mysteries, not always to be solved – at least – not here on earth. Becoming.  That’s what is happening, I am becoming more aware that His mysteries are part of what make Him God, and not I, a mere mortal with a disposition to take control and regularly make mistakes. Not truly knowing how the consequences will affect me in the future. His understanding of the intricacies of how my life affects those living in South America is mind boggling. So maybe my life doesn’t affect anyone in Columbia, but as he has been reminding me; anything is possible with Him. Keep your eyes open

So, here I sit and I would like to say that I’m more prayerful and, my cup of abundance flows over is astounding me, but it’s quite the opposite.  In the morning I pray. Not always my greatest moment as most mornings I struggle with the lack. It is prayer that mostly consists of listening, journaling and asking one question at a time. Does it annoy me? In the beginning, I kept waiting for it to get better, and that was until I decided it was best to accept it  as it is. I’ve learned along the way that surrendering is my best option because what I thought was best doesn’t mean it is.  When God is the one who changes something in my life, is not without the graces that only he can bestow. When my thirst has become my norm for living, and my silent plea for more seems to hear more silence than answers, I am surprised when drops of water and blood gush from His heart. It is in those moments that I remember with delight that He can take away, but His return is beyond our wildest imagination.

 

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Residue

 

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A sky filled with purple sparkles. The smell of the burnt embers fills the air, and the dampness seeps in through the bundled warmth that you hold onto.

Dug up earth exhales and releases the awe that nature is a discovery that exhumed the existence of life. In this world of wonder, dignity should be guaranteed to aid life forms to stay connected and consequently develop a respect that each has a part to play. An intermingling of ideas is not an option because it leads to decay of their interconnectedness and survival. Life that is vital to us. It is a link that continues all around us but we don’t see it, but it is visible to those who choose to see this connection.

At the end of a conversation, words hang suspended in the silence and what once was lingers; settling in like the smell of cigarette smoke in your hair. Interactions splintered into tiny pieces of nothing hoarded off into the bleak existence of space. Emotions cling to whatever will feed its energy, and give it a place to bleed. Inside of us, emotions wrestle with dominance over us. We are encouraged to go back and continue dipping into the deep reservoir of indulgences given to us. Instead, pulling out what we believe to be ours, or waiting to receive our share.

As time goes on, only snippets of the conversation repeat in your head. The feel of the dampness is hard to recreate, the smell of the felled trees, the earth and the burning embers are tangled in your mind, in your imagination. You question the validity of the situation; it fills the space in your understanding. Feelings become your memories, and sometimes feelings or memories can’t be trusted. We are tainted with incomplete perceptions, clinging to a future that doesn’t always appear.

Feelings are not the truth in a situation, they are your companions on your journey, your compass to navigating through the sea of unknowing. Everything you need is at the shore, your place of remembering of what’s real and logical. While the changes take slowly, sitting on the shore it gives you a chance to take stock of everything, and how it has already changed you, His residue remains in you.