One of the things that I love to do during the summer is paint my toe nails. When I was younger I would paint my finger nails too, but it would never stay chip free. Usually I would choose a shade of red until my nails started to turn yellowish, which I found out meant that I wasn’t allowing my nails to breathe. So I gave nail polish up for a while, but eventually I went back to having coloured toe nails as I love wearing sandals with my coloured toes nails in the summer!
Blue and Borrowed
It’s not a cheap bottle of nail polish, but it has captured the exact shade of blue that I wanted to paint my toe nails this summer. It all started last year when I saw a woman with this beautiful shade of light baby blue on her toe nails. My search began in earnest. And I wanted to share it with someone who I thought might enjoy it as well, but I had no idea that the nail polish would spurred on its own battle.
The Other Side of the Coin
So I have been asking myself, is the battle that was spurred on by nail polish worth my time and effort? At one point, I didn’t see the choices that I had, and yes I could believe those lies I told myself, but instead of putting on airs, I kept pulling back the layers that I had collected over the years. I didn’t want to be that person who kept doing it over and over before I caught myself in the act, but…
Believing the lie that I wasn’t deserving of what I desired when it was God, who had given me these desires in the first place. So when I decided to step back, it afforded me the luxury of seeing what was really in front of me. Being single and being friends with someone who is married isn’t easy, but it has allowed me to see that my needs being met in a relationship is just as important as the other person who is married. Singleness seems like a plague, but it’s just a station of life that I’m in now. Being exactly as how God wants me to be and act is sometimes hard when you become aware of what the other person is asking of you. Do you bend to their expectations or let your hair stick out at odd angles?
Cultivating a Value System
So many times I have turned around and looked the other way, so I didn’t have to deal with the conflict, the fear and the rejection I’m expecting. When I take the time to reflect on what made me feel uncomfortable or angry, it’s only then that I start to see a clearer picture emerge. I am big on quality, and it’s what I am looking for in just about everything that I seek. But especially in people who are in my life. Often it’s lacking, but then it can turn up where you least expect it. I am learning that I love it when someone unexpectantly shows me what they love or like about me. It’s not what I can do for them, but just for being who I am. There are no pretenses, no masks to be put on. These people are the ones that love me just as I am. No strings attached. I love that they can see who I am and be able to put it into something solid. Validation just flows out of their mouths and I take in like sunbathing on the beach.
Are you part of a community where you feel you can just be who you were made to be?
They take you whatever way you present yourself to them? I don’t know about you but it allows me to truly be who I am without fear that they don’t ‘get’ something about me. Whether we admit or not, we all want to be valued by those we love, but it doesn’t always happen in a nice and neat way. Sometimes were not understood as we would like to be. My high sensitivity has led me to experience these kind of situations. It’s frustrating to speak as clearly as you can, and still be misunderstood, like you’re speaking foreign language, but also not feel the support you were hoping from this particular circumstance.
Neither did these circumstances boost my low self-esteem, and my lack of value in myself, never mind receiving value from other people. I have learnt it is easy to see the value others show you, when you come to truly value yourself. Arriving at a place where whatever happens your confidence in yourself isn’t blown off into the the gutter.