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Let’s Begin!

It’s official!

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I have started my journey, well it began when I was born, but the no longer knowing which way to go was initiated quietly. This month I have griped, complained, screamed and given up altogether. When I saw the quote below something seem to nod inside of me. Maybe I am beginning to retain that I am not the one in charge of my big adventure: The universe is bigger than I thought and no I am not descended from the stars.

When we no longer know which way to go, we have begun our real journey.
Wendell Berry

The air I breathe is hot and dry. The thoughts running around in my mind blame me for not being more disciplined, kind, thoughtful and strong. It’s as simple as needing a word of affirmation from my supervisor, who in a straightforward manner has never told me that I am a good worker. Each day, I set out to do my best, and every day the Lord challenges me to go one step further to give His best to the clients, to give my all to him.

“Christ with me
Christ before me
Christ behind me
Christ in me,

A few weeks ago, the words of Isaiah 30:15-18 wandered into my heart, reminding me that I am to be quiet and trust in Him because that is where my strength comes from. Don’t be the wild horses that Isaiah warns the Israelites about because His graciousness won’t come near, and or allow the graces to trickle down on them. Instead they will rage, which leads them around in circles in an aim to find something that will calm the fire that is burning in their souls.

Christ beneath me,
Christ above me,
Christ on my right,
Christ on my left,

Maybe it’s just the January blah. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to spend time in a place that was near to the warm sun, blue skies and clear blue waters. I’ll have a drink of Pina Coloda with one those little pink plastic umbrella’s floating around in sweet frothiness.

No, I don’t think that will solve my problems except prevent the inevitable, which is something I am learning about in trying to discipline myself through doing the things I don’t want to do. Fours years ago, it wasn’t like this, but truthfully, I don’t remember how it was or if it really was a concern for me.

Prayer is normally what upheld me, but it didn’t in the beginning, and as time continued, it kept falling and falling until it was broken. My  prayers, which I claimed was how I ‘breathed’ disappeared into some kind of far away land that sucked it out of me. I can’t ever go there. I didn’t even know if I believed that God answered prayers.

Christ when I lie down,
Christ when I sit down,
Christ when I arise,

The almost physical sense of God passed into oblivion, and a silent, invisible guidance has replaced its place inside of me. Even that definition doesn’t do it justice. His being resides inside of my soul, and he doesn’t demand control over me. Stay where you are because he will come for you. He will not forget his promise, unlike us who promise but seldom deliver. Comfort is easing itself back into my life, but there is still much work to be done.

Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,

Rule of Life

St. Benedict is known for many things, but it’s his Rule of Life that he wrote for his religious community that is most familiar to me. My Spiritual Director suggested that I construct my own Rule of Life. Something that will and can lead to my heighten awareness of Him in my everyday life.

Christ in every eye that see me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.”

– St. Patrick

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